the chance to choose you.

i woke up this morning with a thought.....

'there comes a time when you gotta pick, ter.
the past or the present/future. you can't
hang on to the past and keep goin' into a
really gorgeous present/future if you do.
there comes a time you gotta pick.'

then i grinned.
'knucklehead' i tenderly called myself.

i got out of bed thinking....

it's not *A* time. not one single time.
why do i persist in thinking that?!

i picked continually thru my divorce
saga. even my husband looked at me one
day and shook his head. i'm not sure if
he thought that if he made it hard enough,
i'd give in and stay. but i think so.
he looked at me and said 'i know you, terri.
and you gotta REALLY want this to go thru this
much pain to get it.'

i'll never forget that moment.
i realized how i couldn't go back. ever.
no matter what the cost.
and he was gonna make me pay.

i chose then. at that moment. i chose never
going back.

but it's not a one time pick.

over and over and over a thousand times
since, i've wrestled with the past to choose
the present and my future.

and somehow it was me that was gonna make
me pay.

it's never been easy. some times have
been harder than others. but it's never been
easy.

it's not *a* moment. it's a series of a gazillion
moments i'll have to face forever.
because some of that past stuff is way way
way down deep in my cells.

i looked at bob yesterday and told him at one
moment during our day together i had to choose
again. because you see, this past stuff sneaks
in at any ol' time. and i chose now.

'i don't know why it's so hard. it seems like it
should be easy. i want something, why can't i just
grab it with ease? but it's so hard sometimes.
but i chose now.' i smiledat him thru tears.
he understood.

every time i let the past close me down, every
time i let the past dictate my actions, every
time i let the past fill me with fear....
i've let it win that round.

maybe it's not JUST that there comes a time where
you have to decide what's gonna win, the past
or the present/future.

maybe there comes a time where you're committed
to hanging in for all the rounds, and you're
committed to winning more than losing.

and maybe there comes a time where you have to
decide if you're worth the fight.

and maybe that brings you right back to the idea
that there comes a time where you have to see your
beauty, find your self love, and get up in the
ring and know you can duke it out every single time
if you have to, cause you're one unstoppable woman.

and maybe all that brings you to a time where deep
in your cells you know you matter.

and maybe those cells outnumber the past cells....

and maybe there comes a time when you truly live.

or maybe not.
maybe there's never a 'time'.
only moments.
moment by moment you make the choice.

maybe it's millions and millions of times.
not one big long time.

and while i have found that exhausting.
maybe it doesn't have to be.

it's millions and millions of opportunities to
choose life. to choose yourself. to choose infinity.

over and over and over again.

maybe that's actually a really cool deal.

maybe it's a gift you get a million trillion times
in your life.

the chance to choose you.