a dream

i found myself stumbling thru some old emails
last nite. the ones from 'the explosion years.'
as i bumped into them, i debated.
do i really want to stir up that pot??

i did it gently...
just peeked here and there.

turned out it was good for me.
i actually saw that i was a whole lot stronger
than i knew.

i think it was the first time in my life i ever
drew lines and stood up for myself and while i
was pretty shaky inside, the words still came out
right.

it was kinda cool to see.

but i also figured i was stirrin' up dreams as
it was close to bedtime.

that turned out to be a good thing too.....

dreamed someone in my family called me and was
livid with me. told me some guys were after me,
told me he did his job by warning me, but started
to go on about how i deserved what i got.

first gold nugget from the dream....

at first i tried to explain i had no idea what
he meant, and i tried to explain myself....when
he wouldn't believe me and started telling me
what i deserved....i hung up.

oh that feels good just remembering that.

i simply hung up and turned to deal with what
i had to deal with.....getting away from the
guys who were after me.

i didn't dwell on needing to explain or accepting
the idea that i deserved bad things....

i went and dealt with what was coming...

as i walked a deserted road with ravines and
such all alone, i was scared they'd find me
before i got myself to safety. had a cell phone
with me and was doin' the dialin' bit.

used to be i couldn't dial a rotary phone fast
enough, or plug in the right numbers to a touch
tone.........now it's the cells in my dreams
that i can't dial right.

was gonna call someone to help me. to come pick
me up with her car.
and then i realized she'd never be able to pull
it off. too hard for her.
so i called someone who could pull it off.

that's all i remember.

but the big thing....the first person i was gonna
call......she's a key player in the life exploding
days. someone i wanted so much from, and someone
who couldn't give it to me.

in the dream, i just knew she wasn't capable of it.
that's all.
no big deal.
i didn't get mad at her.
i wasn't hurt for life.
i just knew she couldn't do it and went to someone
who could....

who actually, turned out to be bob.
cool.

anyway......
i want to take that into real life with me.

i think i'm pretty much there with her anyway. i seem
to be real close if i'm not.
the dream helped me to really see it.

if someone can't do what you need.....
then they can't do what you need.

go to someone who can.
and don't carry that around forever.
go forward and do what you gotta do to take
care of yourself.

i really really liked that.

gonna be holdin' this dream all day, i think.....