Wednesday, March 25, 2009

ed, dad, and dancing....

i have a buddy who takes care of her cranky elderly
sick father. i'm thinking she likes my ed stories
as they give her hope someone can get thru to her dad
and touch him? i'm not sure.

but i got to thinking about it.
and i wanted to be sure everyone knew all of me.

ed's (see post below) someone i had no ties to whatsoever.
he was someone ANYONE could have touched because no one
ever really had.

he had an abusive family, lived in an orphanage for a long
time, never had anyone show him they cared. that kinda
thing. easy for me to land in and love.

i couldn't do it with my own dad.
the only way i ever affected how he looked at life was
i seemed to convince him he'd be better off not seeing

i lived 45 minutes away from him and didn't see him for
FOUR YEARS until he died....i saw him as he was dying.
this is all his choice. that's important to see.
he didn't want to see me.

when i post a story like the one below, i am so excited
because it shows me love CAN change things.

but i also CAN'T change other things.

i like to forget that part and go with the exciting part.
but it's not the full story. and the full story is actually
better than just part.

ed said to me 'you wanted to hug the world....'

what's funny about that is that's not quite right.
i want to learn to love.
his wording just sounds cuter.

my dad was a bigger teacher in lessons on loving than
ed. because ed accepts me.

it's my dad who is really teaching me. still.
even after he's been gone for a few years.

but ed is too. just in a much more fun way!!!

the point?
it's not me and what i do.....
because see....if we make it me and what i do, then
we'd have to argue that me being me was enough to make
my father walk away from me.

i don't buy that.
it's what people do with each other.
and it's about what people do with themselves.

it's ed's choice to open to me.
it was my dad's choice to close.

it's my choice to take both those reactions and love
both those men with an open heart.

doesn't mean i've got it down.
but it does mean that's what i want.

when i hit a moment like ed last nite, it feels so
good. it reminds me to keep going and keep believing.
when i hit a low spot about my dad or something else,
there are times i just want to give up.
throw in the towel.

that's the thing tho.....
those low moments are really powerful.
cause when you gather the strength to do it anyway,
to keep being you and to keep opening....
those are really the gold moments.

the ed moments make me dance.

what would be perfect is when i get to the point
where the dad moments make me dance too.

ya know????

1 comment:

Merry ME said...

Not sure what to say, except AMEN!
What I think is beautiful is that even tho you have the dad experience it didn't stop you from reaching out to Ed. And even though Ed had his own "dad/life" experiences he broke through his fear or anger or crankiness to reach back to you - or maybe he was simply open and receptive at that moment in time - and you stepped in.

I see my dad being open in a way with strangers that he can't/won't be with me. It hurts, but maybe I should just look past my own hurt feelings and be glad that for that moment in time he is open and someone loves enough to step inside. It is a dance isn't it?