Wednesday, March 4, 2009

a good day....

something i don't think i've put out here,
and i guess something i hadn't even told
bob came up yesterday as i told him about
my thoughts from my walk on learnin' from
the good.

he asked me what i was gonna do with it all.

heard myself answer right away that my first
step was awareness. if i can keep the awareness
in my head during the hard times, i can work
with things.

and then i told him....

the first thing that i came up with yesterday
that i was good at (see posts below)
was giving love.

i laughed. clarified that i wasn't so good at
RECEIVING....but good at giving.

that was the first thing i came up with.

but then as i thought it thru, i realized the
amount of work i put into that. and i told him
my example....

when he and i are at a really tough spot together,
you know those...those spots when you're just not
sure what the heck is the point, and you're tired
of the work, and you're really not too thrilled with
what's goin' on or this person at the moment.
you know those.....
well, at those times, there's a thought that pops
in my mind. it's happened every time things were
really really at the hardest....

the thought comes from the only thing i hang on to
that i know about love.

it's my partial definition of love i throw out all
over the place....
loving someone is reaching beyond yourself when you're
in pain. when you're both in tremendous pain, you
reach beyond yourself to their pain.

i believe with my whole heart that that is a crucial
part of love.

and i've said it enough that it's a thought i have
in me all the time.

so when we're in those particularly icky spots, that
thought will pop in my head.

darn it.

when that pops in you can't ignore it.
not if your goal is to BE love.

darn it.

so then i use that as a catalyst and i will say things
like 'what is it you are feeling right now? what is it
you need from me?'

that kinda thing.

there's an awareness of this bottom line love thing i
have. and that awareness will pop in when i need it.
and i trust it because i totally believe it, and it can
move me forward.

i didn't realize i had never told him that.

having done that, i can see how i need an awareness for
other things also.

so i went on my walk with awareness on my mind today.

i also had my ever lovin' pop on my mind as it would have
been his 76th birthday today.

thinking about my dad is a loaded thing for me. it can
go really well, or it can bring up tremendous self doubts.

and sure enough....the self doubts started creeping up.
and the phrase "watch your thought hygiene' popped into my
head! (i love that phrase! and no, it's not mine!)

and i smiled big time.

there's awareness.
i'm goin' down a wrong path here.
turn another way.
watch your thought hygiene.

oh yeah, i can do that easy today. i'm strong, in a good
place today. i can do that. but how about when i can't.
when it's like moving boulders to try to shift my thoughts?
how about then???

and i went back to the example in the beginning.
there have been boulder times there, believe me.
and i've pushed them outta the way.
i can do it.

belief in myself.
knowing i've done it before.

i can do it.

i did it this morning.
and it felt good.

to me, the best present my kids could ever do for
me for my birthday would be to keep themselves on
a healthy track. to think of me with love and know
that they matter.

i'm certainly not thinking my dad is sittin' in the
sky waitin' for a birthday present....
but i gave him one anyway.
i kept believin' in me....and thought of him with love.

happy birthday, dad........

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

that was not only insightful, but a tear jerker.
happy birthday, mr. lorlei. thanks for giving us terri berri. we love her so much! i'm glad you can finally see the gift she is. she sees it, too.

terri, thanks for all you are teaching me without even trying, but by just being yourself.