same dirt, different mountains

another muddled head morning. my walk thoughts
are scattered and harder to focus on...

in the middle of racing thoughts all over the
place, i glanced over at the mountain of dirt
that's in the second construction site up the
street.

it's huge. they've been building it up.

that mountain of dirt has been there for years
now. they keep moving it around, changing the
terrain a bit, and making it look different here
and there. but it's always the same dirt.

as soon as i realized that a shot of a thought
went thru me....

same dirt.
different mountain.

that's your struggles, ter.

it's the same issues, same hang ups, same
insecurities, same dirt....just shaped into
different mountains thru out the years.


wow.
that really affected me.

okay, i said.
so what do i do with that???

well, if it's the same stuff, just different
emphasis at different times, you can prolly
learn from what works and what doesn't.

so what's not worked in the past?

fear.
right away fear comes to mind.
that hasn't worked.
tightening up.
grasping, clinging.
closing down. (altho, that one's debatable..
it has come in handy at times)
doubt.
oh doubt's a big one. that never works.

what HAS worked?

trust.
that darn stinking trust. that works.
opening.
knowing it's all okay.
believing.
gratitude. that works magic.


okay.
okay.

so.
you're looking at a mountain right now that's
discouraging you.....
and you're doin' all the things that don't work.

grin.

that's good terri. good planning there.
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOIN', GIRL?!!!

why?
why go to the things that don't work?

cause they're easier.
noooo.
i mean, they are.
but not in the long run.
the wear and tear on the psyche isn't easier
by any means.

and the other is so much more fun.

why go to the wrong stuff???
i don't know.
habits, laziness, i just don't know.

but i do know i see it now.
and i'm gonna work on changing that....

and i'm gonna work on leveling the mountains.

when i'm old and gettin' ready to leave this
world, i'd love to look at the terrain of
myself and see that i leveled it out, and built
a field of flowers.....