blurry treasure chests....

so i called him last nite and we caught up
just a bit. it's been awhile. and then he asked
me how i was doin' for real.

i tried to fill him in in a nutshell.
that's always weird for me to hear myself outline
what's been goin' on inside me in a concise
paragraph.

i want to tangent over to butterfly woman...
nahhh that prolly won't work.
oh, the exploding phone booth really should be
mentioned here...but nooooooo prolly not.

so i did a concise paragraph and left out the
visuals.

i did say 'i do inner child work.'
which made me grin.
that sentence leaves out so much fun.

we've both watched someone live his life searching
for answers he never found. searching and searching
and missing life......

he was concerned that i was searchin' for answers
that would never be found.

i laughed.
oh no. i don't think i'll ever find them.
i don't think they're there to be found, i told him.

hmmmmmm.....so what the heck am i doin'? we both
kinda wondered.

another concise paragraph....
about figuring out that midlife is a pulling together
things that have been stashed, overlooked and hidden.
about pulling things together, sorting, and working with.
about learning balance and roundedness and growing as
much if not more as the first half of life.

about discovering something inside me that's been there
the whole time. and wondering what it is.

that kinda thing.

he listened, and was kind enough. but it wasn't his deal.
not what he wanted right now.

i listened to his response and understood.

all of us on the same road in different spots.

so i walked and thought.
and thought about wanting to be love.
that's still there in full force.

yep.
there's been three of four times i've thrown that
down on the road wanting to smash it into bits.
not wanting it anymore.

but it's never smashed.
it's still there.

and i don't know why.

all i know is i believe i've got to keep tryin'.
and i don't even really know why.

but there's this really weird quiet thing inside
that's tellin' me that that goes hand in hand
with whatever it is i'm seein' that i've carried
inside of me my whole life.

i haven't a clue what any of this is about.
all i know is that it feels like there's this
whole treasure chest inside of me.
but it's just too blurry yet to see.

and that maybe my job is to see it.

who the heck knows.
but i'm goin' with that today.