Saturday, April 4, 2009

me and my monkey

a year or two ago i bought myself a stuffed
monkey. he reminded me of bob. more hair, but
an ape and cuddly.

i got him to hold at times when i just needed
to hold someone and there wasn't anyone there.

i've never slept with him as i never reached
that point of need before!

until the middle of the nite last nite.
i had a dream bob died.

i woke up really upset and got up so that i
could walk it out. as i was headin' back into
bed, i grabbed the monkey.

turns out i fell asleep with him and held on
tight to him the whole rest of the nite.

i woke up holding him this morning.

i'm such a mature, independent woman.
me and my monkey.

i had spent some time last nite reflecting on
the death around me right now. trying to be
okay with it.

trying to acknowledge and accept that it's part
of the life cycle. that it's just a passing and
all those calm really beautiful things i hear
and think i believe.

but ya know, i'm just not good with it.
i'm a selfish pig. i want people to stick around
and be with me. i hate to see the pain involved
in the passings. and i am just not ready to lose
anyone really close to me. and when i watch others
going thru it, i want to fix it for them.

is anyone ever ready?

i keep thinking if i live right and appreciate it
all i'll be a little ready, maybe.

but this morning i feel like such a wimp and just
want to hold the monkey.
no, actually, i just want to hold bob.
and never let him go.

it doesn't work that way, does it?

i just wonder if i'll ever get into the swing of
this life/death cycle.

sure doesn't feel like it.
pass me my monkey, will ya?

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