Tuesday, April 14, 2009

outta that chair and into the rain!

threads, threads, threads all over the place.
let me see if i can twist them into coherence...

walkin' this morning and remembered something someone
said or wrote about leaving our stories behind.
that we get trapped into our old stories and that
keeps us from building new ones.

immediately i went to my new story of 'my life
is filled with love.' and looked at the vague haze
of my old story line and left it in a puddle.

oh, you did good there, ter.......
but where else is it runnin' thru your life?

attention deficit hit (or did it?!) and i started
thinking of a vid i saw on youtube last nite that
my brother told me to watch. he loved it.
i found it icky. i was picturing telling him so.
and i grinned. there will be bantering about that one.

and then it hit me!!!

i grew up with a lot of snobbish pressure in my
family. it was all way undercurrents. so if i layed
it out on the table today, my family wouldn't see it.
but it was so there. music, art, books....all certain
things that were worthy in these categories, and ones
that were not. if you didn't understand that and appreciate
the right ones, you were less than.

and then i saw it...
it was like a panel of judges i've sat in front of my
whole life.

doesn't mean THEY made that panel.
that coulda been my doing.
i coulda made them into a panel. ya know?
this isn't that they were the bad guys...
it's about what i've done with this and what i will do...

so i saw it.
me sittin in this chair before them.
sittin' there in judgment.

somewhere years ago, my body got up and left the chair,
left the room....
but my spirit stayed there.

and my spirit has whispered to me over the years things
like 'oh, if you had only been more there you wouldn't
have screwed that up.'
or 'oh, if you really had some intelligence, you would
appreciate that.' or 'you can't be an artist, because
your stuff isn't real art.'

yeah. all this kinda gunk.

as the rain hit my face this morning, i thought of the
youtube vid. i honestly didn't like it.

so?
neither good nor bad on my part.
i just didn't like it.

i thought of the things i do like.
i thought of the things that move my soul.
i thought of the things that make me double over and
laugh til i cry.

all stuff that works for me.
may not work for anyone else.
doesn't matter.
it works for me.

it's what makes me tick.

whatever makes you tick, makes you tick.

there is no panel of judges.

read that sentence again, ter.

THERE IS NO PANEL OF JUDGES.

it's been my choice to sit in front of them all my life.

until this morning i realized.......

yeah, my body got out of that chair years ago....
but my soul got out of there this morning.
(or did IT get out of my soul?!!)

lifting my face to the sky, feeling the rain on
my cheeks, i smiled at the universe.

it all just is.
and isn't that just the coolest thing?!!

2 comments:

sarah said...

Ter, I hope that one day I can accompany you on a walk... I don't expect it to be quite as impressive as when you walk by yourself and think through things, because I'm sure you do better on your own, but I think I'd like to have the chance to walk and talk through all kinds of the stuff you've brought up that have hit me so hard. It helps me to read your blog and see what you are thinking and working through... it gives me hope for my future... hearts... sarah

runzwithknives said...

Maybe you made the panel and maybe you didn't...I tend to thing that there will always be a panel of judges. The world is filled with naysayers, crazymakers, and energy vampires too.

Love the analogy that our bodies may not sit there, but our spirit continues to...

Yep all we have to do is remember to keep telling them, Be gone, you have no power here. *grin*

It's a process and it's always chop wood, carry water for me. Although I've noticed the trips become less frequent and load less heavy with time.