Wednesday, April 29, 2009

reactions

we stole some time for a visit today.
and seein' her always makes me feel better.

as i was driving back to my house,
i thought about some of the stuff we
talked about.

she knows my history, knows my issues,
and i fill her in on my crazed reactions
to certain buttons that get set off now
thru my days.

first of all, she gave me the best gift
that friends give....
she understood and said she didn't blame
me for my reactions.

that just feels so good.

but then something else wonderful came
thru it all.

too long, complicated and twisted to get
into...but the bottom line....
(sorta bottom anyway)

i've made huge strides in healing and
getting past things. and yet my
REACTIONS to certain things show different.

i'm still reacting as if that stuff is
still goin on.

woe.

hang on.

that was an earth shaker in the car for
me as i drove home!

i see myself getting beyond it.
i see that stuff not mattering anymore.

BUT WAIT.

then why the strong reactions?!

well, obviously i haven't healed on all
layers, ter.

hmmmmmmm......

that's what i woulda said yesterday.

but i'm thinking.....

maybe it's just a matter of my reactions
catchin' up with my reality.

and maybe i need to have a talkin' to
with my reactions.

now.
i know reactions are just that.
reactions.
i react.
there's not a lot of thinking goin' on.

BUT there could be PRE-thinking.

cause these situations always come up.

and i really don't have to always react.

not if i'm really moving on.

i honestly, honestly think at some point
it's just a darn choice i make.

do i choose to stay linked to something
i've purposely left and outgrown?

or do i choose to move forward?

how deep is that choice?

is it just a top level choice?

or are you gonna make it for real, ter.

my reactions would tell me a lot about
that, i think.

i'm thinking the time has come to take a
good long hard look at that.

i can't change them overnite.
but i can certainly make some improvements
over nite.

and i do believe i'm in on this one!
i want this!

i sooooo want to leave that stuff behind me.

wait...no....
there will ALWAYS be a part of that stuff in
me. and that's okay. i think i can carry it and
fuel compassion and kindness with it.
but that's all i want it for. just enough to
teach me some good stuff.

the rest i want behind me.

that's up to me, isn't it?

3 comments:

Lisa said...

yes.
excellent growth my friend xx

Anonymous said...

and don't forget the habit aspect. you may have moved past it and don't really care anymore, but your body has been reacting in a specific manner for a long time. stop. breathe. look. and then choose how you want to react. sometimes just giving yourself a moment when you sense the reaction is all you need. you can just look at the reaction coming on and smile at it and say, "i don't do this anymore, ha!"
oxoxoxo
denise

My Journey to Hope said...

Gosh, I love the way you write. It sounds like me talking to myself. The idea of reactions catching up to reality- brilliant. I think that's my problem, too. I still react like I'm wounded. But I'm safe now. Crazy stuff, good thoughts. Thanks for sharing!

-Michelle