salty oatmeal

i'm sittin' here all cryin' in my oatmeal bowl.
grin.
yeah, it's an okay thing.
someone asked me if i was cryin' a lot lately.
yeah.
i cry a lot all the time!
part of the deal.
no worries.

but these tears are tears of everything.
all of it. pain, joy, love, sadness...the whole
deal.

it's my friend's birthday today. the one who's
losing her dad. he'll be up for the celebration
today. and the weight of the whole thing is almost
more than she can bear.

i didn't know what to give her for a gift.
what can you give someone you love with your whole
heart and who's hurting so much?

so i gave her a used, unwashed, hand-me-down jacket.
yeah.
yep.

i had this jacket i wore on my walks. says 'love'
across the front. i really liked it as it reminded
me of what i wanted to do with my life. it was a
splurge for me to get for myself. just a hoodie,
nothing special. but for me, it was a splurge. for
me, it was something special.

what's really wild is it's from that group that's
called 'to write love on her arms.'

i've mentioned it before. the story is gorgeous,
and begins with someone cutting something awful
in her arm. a cutter, struggling to live.

that mattered to me too. another reason i got the
jacket.

i bought it for me. i've been wearing it for months.

but then i thought....what if i give it to her?
unwashed. and i wrote her a note and said that part
was gross but to humor me.
i wanted it to have my smell on it,
the stray hair layin' on it, the salt stains at
the end of the sleeves from when i wiped my tears
as i walked. all there. i wanted her to at least
have that until she threw it in the washer.

i wanted it to be me wrapping her in love.

i didn't even tell her about the cutter part of
the story. i will one day tho. as she's been down
that road herself. it will matter to her.

i just got a note from her.
it's her birthday today.
she opened it.

and she got it.
she really got what i wanted to do.
she said she needed it.

and i started crying.
cause sometimes i hurt so bad wanting to help
the ones i love. sometimes i just wish that things
could be easier.

and then i'm reminded....it's in these depths....
these really hard moments that the light shines
the brightest.

it did just now for me.
and the tears hit my oatmeal.

you can't touch this stuff without the pain.
i don't know why. but i don't think you can.

and i actually stopped for a moment and honored
the pain.

there is light in the darkness.
we just have to remember.....

love is always there.