tomato face insights

this is so scrambled in my brain,
i may not be able to get it out.

the guy who called me tomato face started
this whole thing (see post below)....

i think it had to be someone like him.
i didn't know him much, he teased me a lot,
i felt uncomfortable a lot when he teased
me....he just reminds me of that youthful
time...that awkward time.

and now he's this adult guy who's normal
and nice.....who's been thru a ton of life.
just like all of us at this age.

so it got me thinking.
who am i now?

and somehow....somehow i feel like i saw
better than i ever have before.

as i walked, the hard times in life came up.
and i saw myself thru them.

up til now, i think i've been really side
tracked with the tears and fears i've had
thru it all. that's what i see when i look
back.

i gravitate towards strong people now because
i like their strength. one of my favorite things
about bob is his inner strength. i soak that
stuff up when i'm near people i perceive as
strong.

i never really thought of myself that way.
i've got too much gentle in me for me to really
seriously think of as strong.

i know. i know. that's not how it works. but
that's how my brain worked.

and this morning i'm walkin' and seein' the gentle
strength thru the hard times. and seein' the
roads i've traveled. and seein' more of me than
i ever have before. and i see how the gentle has
been a definite part of the strength.

several of the scenes i thought of dealt with
deaths in my family. one of which was my dad's.

the midlife book i'm reading is talking about facing
death as a part of life. facing our own mortality.

that's been on my mind.
and when i thought of my dad's death, i thought of
it being everything that i would NOT want for my
own. from events leading up to it all the way to
past the funeral services....i wouldn't want my death
to be anything like his.

and i realized it couldn't be. that it's already set
to be different.

and then i realized his entire life is something that
i don't want mine to be like.

of course.
your life would lead up to your death.
of course.

and everything started landing in me.
who i was growin' up. how i've grown and become and
continue to become....how middle age is an opportunity
to become more just like we have become more from
those teen years....

and how i have the strength to do it.
i just have to know that......

i don't know....maybe yesterday's phone booth
explosion made room for something else.
i don't know.

but i feel different about it all.

i've been saying that i lost all my beliefs.
that can't be true.
somewhere thru the string of events i went back
and remembered today, i saw something that stayed
solid thru all of it.
i'm not sure what it is.
i don't have words for it.
but it was a solid foundation, a solid something
that has stayed thru everything....and even gotten
stronger.

so there's something there for me.

i know it's all just as scary and unsure as it was
yesterday....but i feel like it's gonna be okay
now.

i sure hope i keep this feeling!