Friday, April 10, 2009

wings on my feet

i noticed it during the day yesterday.
something i had been struggling with for
YEARS had finally got to a place that was
good. i was amazed at my inner reaction.
wow. i had made progress.

oh ho ho.
don't get cocky, ter.
the universe wasn't so sure.
so later that afternoon, i got a little test.

absolutely amazing.
the timing of things sometimes floors me.

and wow.
it felt like a scar that had healed got
ripped apart again.
i could just feel the rip.
and my insides were cryin' like a baby.

how'd that happen to someone who had it
all figured out?!

maybe i didn't.

but then again....maybe i did.

i reacted, yes.
and it was strong, yes.

but i didn't fall apart.

i thought about it.
wondered why the big reaction.
it was nothing new. i should have
expected it, at least not reacted
like i did inside.

so i went right to the heart of it.
what was at the deepest layer?
and i understood immediately.
i knew.
and i said 'oh well.' to myself.

and let it go.

another wow here.
that was a FIRST!

i've done the same pattern before
up until the 'let it go' part.
that's not so easy.
usually takes a good amount of effort.
that part i get stuck on.

this time i didn't.

i let it go.
honest to pete, i let it go.

and then just as surely as i got the test
as a response to my cockiness (altho, i wasn't
cocky, just happy)....

i got an answer this morning to my letting go.

i got a note from that person apologizing.

a tear ran down my cheek as i read it.
for two reasons.....
first time ever this was recognized by this
and first time ever i didn't need it anymore.

there's tremendous loss at the bottom of all
this....but beyond that....and more importantly,
there's tremendous gain.

the loss is behind me now.
i really think it is.

the gain is at my feet.
and it's puttin' wings on them this morning.

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