a gift

prolly the most profound moment for me
of the last two days was on a walk.
when i realized something.

the day before i had been sitting on the
couch with my brother. the way he was
sitting, the angle of his face, the way
he looked over at me, the light from the
window....the whole deal mixed together
to hand me a gift.

he looked EXACTLY like my father sitting
there.

he looked so much like my dad i had a hard
time concentrating on the conversation. my
mind kinda freaked out sayin' 'ohmygosh,
it could be dad right there!'

i pulled off the conversation, he moved,
the light changed, and it was my brother again.

the next morning walking, i thought of that
moment. and i realized something....

things were hard with my dad. there was a lot
of pain and confusion. if he was back, it wouldn't
be different. it was what it was. you like to think
we would make some progress and it would be better.
and yeah, i like to think that.

but i realized that if he could be back here right
now and sitting on my couch, it would still be what
it was.

and it's okay that he's gone.
it's okay that it was what it was.
it doesn't have to be a happy story.
as long as it was full.

and it certainly was full.

and i'm okay now.
and i can let my dad go.
or maybe what i really mean is....
i can let go of the fantasy that it would all
be good if he was here.

it really was good the way it was.
because it was.

and there's no need for wishing for different.