ponderin'

walked today.....and thought of someone
i don't even know.
just heard very briefly about her thru
her husband. they're gettin' ready to
split up. and i was imagining what she
was going thru. she's dealing with
depression....and i thought about the
little bit i knew of her life.

she had a baby really young. and i thought
of how life changed for her then...
i tried to imagine her really young. all
the hopes and dreams...

and then i thought of all of us.
i thought of me, and friends i knew.
i thought of my kids.
all the hopes and dreams we start out
with....

and i landed right smack in the middle of
the 'what's it all about?' place.

what the heck IS it all about???
what's the point?
why are we here?
does it matter what we do??

when i got to these questions, my face
did the frustrated scrunch up, just really
wanting answers.

the only thing that makes any sense to me
is the candle theory....

the idea that there's one main flame somewhere
and that we've all got candles inside us lit
from that main flame. and our job is to grow
that flame. make it shine brighter.

that's still my theory of choice.
even tho the 'main flame' part has taken on
more of an 'energy' feel over the years...
it's still my theory of choice.
but. so what?
i asked myself this morning. so what?
so you die and you're flame's bright(er).
so?

and then i asked myself some other questions:
does it matter who we love???
does anything last???
is anything worth giving your all for??

and i felt like i knew the answers to these
questions, altho i dont' know why.

it does matter who we love. while we have to
love all that we can as much as we can, (i think)
the ones you really give your heart to matter.
that affects everything. that affects growing
your flame.
love lasts. it's the only thing i know that does
last.....beyond you. it IS the flame.
and love seems to be the thing worth giving your
all to...

why?
i don't know.
it's just a feeling i carry around inside.

so those questions just made it so i could look
from a different angle and find some of my
beliefs.

and i think where that brought me this morning
is to a throwing up of my hands.

i don't know what any of it's about.
equally as strong as my confusion is my belief
in an energy called love that is beyond anything
i can comprehend.

so i don't see any other answer but to throw up
my hands, crinkle my face in confusion, take a
deep breath, and step in to love.

here's the kicker tho....

if that's what i think it's all about....and
if that's what i think is at the bottom of it all
somewhere somehow....then i can't just say yeah,
yeah i'm in.

if i do that, i'll miss the journey. the real journey.
cause that's just lip service.

i may not know what it is.
and i may not know what it's about.
but i do know it's two feet in or forget it.

two feet in to something you don't understand,
and something you don't know where it goes to....
and yet you're sposed to jump with two feet in?

yeah.....i think you are.
i believe people refer to that as the 'mystery'
of it all...

jeesh.
i'm in.