Tuesday, June 2, 2009

and the first one fell....

so i had some traction, momentum, or
something like that....
felt like if i could just get a good
splotch of time, i could get a few
things straight. only time for a really
quick walk today. just around the block.
but i figure i need one...grab it.
gonna keep the good feelings goin'....

and as i'm full stride headin' to the
corner, i see one of my favorite trees
has been cut down. all that's left is
a pile of some of the trunk....
i stop right in the middle of the road.
ohhhh nooooo.
i knew it was coming. i knew that. but
this is the first. and one of my favorites.
one of the biggest. one i looked at every

i walked over to the pile. touched the pieces.
tears came to my eyes. i kept looking up
where it was. where it used to be. the place
of sky it had filled.....

my head hung low as i rounded the corner.
i shouldn't have walked, i thought. i shouldn't
have come out here.

are you kiddin'? what are you gonna do? hide
in the house and never come out? they're gonna
take a lot of 'em, girl. get over it.
life is change. life is change. life is change.

and i thought of where i was goin' today....
takin' her to chemo today. her last appointment.
and i thought of how i just wanted to fool
myself today. just wanted to be good and happy
and strong and forget change.
wanted to be steady in whatever reality i make

as i walked up the next street, i thought of
how hard i fight change. and how i want everything
to be pretty.

it's not.

you wanted to be good and strong and happy today,
then step into that flow.
know that it's not all pretty and it changes
constantly and deal with what's goin' on in
the moments.

i feel like the tree jogged me into the real
world. and as sad as i am, i still feel like
i needed that.

i want to enter my day open eyed to what's
really there. not what i want to be there.
and truth is, today is filled with a lot of
stuff that i don't want to be there.

but it is.
how i choose to live it is up to me.

there are so many ways i run and hide.
and i just don't want to do that anymore.

i want to change 'run and hide' to 'step up
and embrace.'

all of it.
every single bit of it.

and so, once again....i turn to my day
and step into it. holding the tree in my
heart, i go forward.


peggi said...

here's a thought terri. for every tree they cut down, go plant another. keep a running count, post it here and maybe on facebook? and challenge everyone to go plant a tree. i bet you would far exceed the number cut down. i'll be your first recruit!

Merry ME said...

I read peggi's comment and had this idea. What if you had some really big tree look alike posters made. Then when the tree cutters were off doing their nasty deeds you could be like a new world Johnny Appleseed (only your trees wouldn't be real, because let's face it we all know what would happen to them!). The tree cutters would come rumbling by in their big old trucks and tools of destruction and the first thing they'd see is a big ass tree where there was supposed to be only blue sky. It wouldn't fool them for long, but maybe they'd get the hint! It might take some middle of the night maneuvers but I feel sure you and the boys could pull it off!

Change ... it's icky and it's good all at the same time.

Loving you and sending "Hooray's" and "let the healing begin" to your sister-in-law.