anger buttons

oh man.
i was pretty sure he was gonna be angry
and frustrated with me.
i stepped in without checking with him
and may just prolong an ending that needs
to happen. and that may just be more than he
can handle right now.

he may really be angry.

and i sat with the idea.

anger scares me.

in my world growing up anger was a complicated
thing.

it wasn't okay for me to have.
when i had it, i was either bad or selfish.

and when others had it, it meant they could
take their love away from me.

anger is one of those real interesting topics.
one that's good to look at how it's played a
role thru life.....

i've looked a bit, and know it's a complicated
button for me.

so the thought of him being angry with me scared
me.

i sat back. thought of the buttons. looked thru
the fears. knew they didn't fit in this relationship.
trusted that.
and also knew.....i did what i felt was right.
no matter who gets angry with that, i need to always
always do that. and i would do the same again.

there's some great quote i've seen on a bumpersticker...
something like 'speak your truth even when your voice
shakes.'
i love that. cause that's me.

my voice will shake all the way thru speaking my truth.
it scares me to do that.
i've lost a lot in doing it.
i know you can lose things by doing it.

thing is.....
i know what you gain.

so i got comfortable with the idea of him being mad.
well...kinda comfortable.

when he called and asked how i was i said 'nervous.'

and he said in the softest voice, 'i cannot believe
you think i'd be mad at you for this...you only helped.
thank you......'

tears welled up in my eyes.

i was so relieved.
and yet....i knew i'd handle the opposite reaction too.

and THAT was the best feeling outta the whole deal.