i was pretty sure he was gonna be angry
and frustrated with me.
i stepped in without checking with him
and may just prolong an ending that needs
to happen. and that may just be more than he
can handle right now.
he may really be angry.
and i sat with the idea.
anger scares me.
in my world growing up anger was a complicated
it wasn't okay for me to have.
when i had it, i was either bad or selfish.
and when others had it, it meant they could
take their love away from me.
anger is one of those real interesting topics.
one that's good to look at how it's played a
role thru life.....
i've looked a bit, and know it's a complicated
button for me.
so the thought of him being angry with me scared
i sat back. thought of the buttons. looked thru
the fears. knew they didn't fit in this relationship.
and also knew.....i did what i felt was right.
no matter who gets angry with that, i need to always
always do that. and i would do the same again.
there's some great quote i've seen on a bumpersticker...
something like 'speak your truth even when your voice
i love that. cause that's me.
my voice will shake all the way thru speaking my truth.
it scares me to do that.
i've lost a lot in doing it.
i know you can lose things by doing it.
i know what you gain.
so i got comfortable with the idea of him being mad.
when he called and asked how i was i said 'nervous.'
and he said in the softest voice, 'i cannot believe
you think i'd be mad at you for this...you only helped.
tears welled up in my eyes.
i was so relieved.
and yet....i knew i'd handle the opposite reaction too.
and THAT was the best feeling outta the whole deal.