loving the best you can....

i wasn't going to call him.
i had already reached out a few days ago
and gone over and sat and talked eyeball
to eyeball with him. within an hour of
that conversation, he made it clear nothing
had changed.

why talk again??

he doesn't know, i kept thinking.
he just doesn't know what he's doing.

i so firmly believed that that i called him
and tried again.

he was receptive to talking which helped.
i explained what i saw in different ways.
'does that make sense?' i kept asking.

'yeah...but....i still don't think....'

let me try again.

i think he got it momentarily. then lost it
again, then got it again.

i was never quite convinced, but in the end,
he reached out and showed it mattered to him.

was a big step.
actually, a monumental one.

a few years ago i woulda been sure it was
enough to make it all work. i woulda been
hooked on an outcome and invested in it.

i'm not there anymore.
it's not about fixing it anymore for me.
i'm not sure it can be fixed.

it's about knowing that no matter what happens,
i gave them both my whole heart.

that hasn't been easy for me.
i have been filled with resentment and frustration
and i know i will be filled with that again and
again....

the idea of letting it all blow up and finish
almost seemed a relief...

but relief isn't what i want outta life.

loving as best i can is.
and so i tried.....

and i think i may be the one who gains the most
from it.

loving the best you can in all instances.
sometimes that seems so easy.
sometimes that seems sooooo hard.