Sunday, June 21, 2009

happy father's day

the last couple of days i've been tryin' to
figure out if there was something about me
that my dad liked.

that sounds pretty sad.
but i don't mean it that way.

this isn't a pity party.
it's a let's look at it party......

when i was young, my dad liked me a lot.
that's cause i knew what my dad wanted and
made myself everything he wanted.

i excelled at it.

the positive that came out of that is i
learned how to read people really well.
i think that's where i got that talent from.
and it's one i'm grateful for.
i've learned not to have to please everything
i read...i've learned just to use it for

so that's not all bad.

when i hit around 20 i started becoming
more me.

didn't go over well with pop.

it was a struggle for me, but i felt so strongly
about things that i had to do them.

things that included the ways i mothered,
the things i ate, the religion i left.

he carried a lot of anger towards me over these
things....some of it made sense to me.
like leaving his religion. i understood the hurt.
but what i ate??? and how i mothered? he loved
my kids, thought they were wonderful.
some of it never made sense to me...
but i would see the anger and know something
was pushing his buttons.

but i always fell back to at the bottom
of it all he believes i have a good heart.
that's one thing i knew he liked in me.

well, when i divorced, his belief in my good heart
fizzled and i think we weren't left with anything.

i have been thinking for the last two days.
there MUST be something.

and i honest to pete can't think of a thing.

and yet there are so many things i liked about him.

that situation has helped to feed the self doubt
and insecurities that run deep.

but that's not permanent. that changes with the
work i do daily. that's not a 'let's cry over
that sentence.' that's a 'let's work with that

working with it has played a huge role in me
becoming independent and growing in strength and

it's not all bad!

i see the incredibly powerful role of parents,
and try to hold my own role very carefully.

people are parents.
my dad was just a person.
i try to think of what buttons i hit for him,
why i bothered him so much, what is it he needed
in himself that he wanted me to give?

just a person who didn't quite get it down to
what it means to unconditionally love your kid.

not everyone gets that down.
his background....his own insecurities....
they all made him him.
just a person.
who happened to be my dad.

i was gonna go visit his grave today.

i changed my mind this morning.
i was doing it out of an act of respect for
him. i don't believe he's at the grave.
i'm not going to connect with him there.
i was going to show some respect in my heart
to him. to my memory of him.

after spending two days trying to figure out if
there's something about me he'd like and coming
up empty, i decided not to go.

i decided to show my dad respect today i would
do what felt real and honest to me. i'm going to
spend some time today thinking about the things
i like in me. he raised one heck of a daughter.
he may not have known it, but i'm figurin' it out.
and to honor him, i'm gonna honor me.

i'm one of the things of him that's left in the
world....instead of visiting his grave, i'm gonna
visit me. show myself some compassion, show myself
some respect, and honor the good stuff in me that
he helped create.

i'm really hopin' for a good rain storm that
comes when i'm all i'd love to walk
in it in his honor. he used to walk in the rain...
and i loved to see that.

he was a good guy. he really was.
just a little mixed up on the inside.

i'm gonna try to get a little more unmixed on my
own his honor....and in mine.

and i'm gonna hold him in my heart with love.

happy father's day.

No comments: