Wednesday, June 3, 2009

things change...

first i didn't think i'd even go for a walk.
then i told myself to grow up and just deal
with it.

as i walked by my neighbor's piles of
cut trees, i found myself rubbing my arm...
i learned from yo recently that means i'm
'pacifying' myself. yep.

found myself walking with my hands in my
pockets, head down when i passed the guys
waitin' by their truck. the supervisor was

he looked at me and said 'i hate to tell
you this, but i think we'll be taking your
trees today.'

i looked at him, couldn't say a word, just
nodded and kept goin'.

i think i held off for all of two steps
before the tears started. and then i couldn't
get them to stop.

if only i hadn't seen him. i know he doesn't
care and i just wish he hadn't said anything.

walked. thought about why i was so upset.
i thought of years ago when i was splitting up.
i would walk down into the woods and sit and
cry and cry and cry. i could go there and do
that so the kids wouldn't see me doin' that.
and then they took those woods. i remember how
much that hurt. i felt like they took my safe

the trees are a place of refuge for me and
losing them hurts.

i thought of the bigger picture of loss and
no control and losing things that matter to you.

as i stood up at my goodmorningworld spot,
i thought about how i don't do loss well at all.

well, yeah, you cry, ter.
and you get really sad. and you feel bad.
so what?
maybe that is doin' loss really well.

yeah, i said.

as i walked back home, i passed the guys again.
the supervisor was gone. i was glad.
and there was one guy that seemed to really
look over at he felt really bad.
he turned like he wanted to say something,
and then just didn't.
i just mumbled hello, but i noticed his face.

and it mattered to me.

i really do think he cared and that he didn't
like it either....

and somehow that helped....

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