things change...

first i didn't think i'd even go for a walk.
then i told myself to grow up and just deal
with it.

as i walked by my neighbor's piles of
cut trees, i found myself rubbing my arm...
i learned from yo recently that means i'm
'pacifying' myself. yep.

found myself walking with my hands in my
pockets, head down when i passed the guys
waitin' by their truck. the supervisor was
there.

he looked at me and said 'i hate to tell
you this, but i think we'll be taking your
trees today.'

i looked at him, couldn't say a word, just
nodded and kept goin'.

i think i held off for all of two steps
before the tears started. and then i couldn't
get them to stop.

if only i hadn't seen him. i know he doesn't
care and i just wish he hadn't said anything.

walked. thought about why i was so upset.
i thought of years ago when i was splitting up.
i would walk down into the woods and sit and
cry and cry and cry. i could go there and do
that so the kids wouldn't see me doin' that.
and then they took those woods. i remember how
much that hurt. i felt like they took my safe
spot.

the trees are a place of refuge for me and
losing them hurts.

i thought of the bigger picture of loss and
no control and losing things that matter to you.

as i stood up at my goodmorningworld spot,
i thought about how i don't do loss well at all.

well, yeah, you cry, ter.
and you get really sad. and you feel bad.
so what?
maybe that is doin' loss really well.

yeah, i said.
maybe.

as i walked back home, i passed the guys again.
the supervisor was gone. i was glad.
and there was one guy that seemed to really
look over at me....like he felt really bad.
he turned like he wanted to say something,
and then just didn't.
i just mumbled hello, but i noticed his face.

and it mattered to me.

i really do think he cared and that he didn't
like it either....

and somehow that helped....