Tuesday, July 7, 2009

it's not mine anymore.....

it was eight years ago.....
i was verbally attacked by someone who had
been the closest in the world to me....

it was vicious and it was meant to make me
bleed.

he went for every part of me he could,
and he cut quick and deep. cut after cut.

he lashed out pointing out what a miserable
failure i was in each area of my being.
and while i didn't think it was all true, i
accepted a piece of each thing as true.
i held it. believed it. even if it was just
a tiny piece that i took, i took it.

until he got to bone sighs.

when he slammed bone sighs and called them
a 'sham' i knew he was wrong.

i honestly think that was the first moment
in my entire life that i COMPLETELY rejected
garbage.

it was one of the most powerful moments of
my life.

eight years ago.

and while i knew bone sighs were me, they were
still 'outside of me' at that point. i hadn't
come to realize that i was the same thing as
them.

so while i did great there, and i'm so tickled
that happened....i was still reaching outside
myself for something to believe in.

when the attacks were on the rest of me, i
took pieces of the garbage.

it was the first step in a long line of steps.
and it was a powerful one.

sometimes i get discouraged with the inner work
i do. think i'm not getting anywhere and get
discouraged.

and sometimes i see progress and fall flat on
my back in amazement.

recently i found myself on my back, amazed....

i felt garbage being put on me and i stopped and
was stunned.

huh???

that's not me.

i didn't feel any need to prove it.
i didn't feel any need to question myself on it.

it's not me.

not who i am.
not what i do.

and i knew....from all the work i do....i knew.....
that this one wasn't mine.

there wasn't self doubt.
there wasn't putting my self down.

it just wasn't true.
and that's it.

i look at the difference eight years has made
in me and i actually tear up.

this work i'm doin'........it's not for nothing.
and this garbage stuff? it's not mine anymore.

2 comments:

Christie's Journal/ Living with Light said...

Great stuff, so glad you put this out there, I need to write about mine to, so that I can see it out there, a declaration! Thanks for putting this into perspective.

runzwithknives said...

It's very easy to see bone sighs "as you".

Also, a lesson I've recently learned...

Just throw away the bad data (his comments)....it's garbled...kinda like a corrupt file on the computer. :)