my wobbly self

i started writing about integrity the other day.
deleted it.
maybe from the blog.
but not from my mind.

i love that word.
it's something i want to have.
i think i do have it....but it's the kinda
thing you can lose in a moment. it's not just
something you have and put in your pocket.
for me, anyway, it's always an effort.

yesterday i came real real close to setting
it down for a minute. doing something that i
felt was harmless, but knew that to someone
else out there in the world, it wasn't.

i made it thru that. did the thing i felt was
right. and smiled.

today....again.....another moment.
another time it would be so so so easy to just
let the integrity slide for a bit.

i stopped. thought about it and shook my head.
you made a deal, ter. stick to it.

and so i did.

i felt good about it. and knew i had made it
thru two important moments for me.

but it wasn't until i heard about someone's
return bout of cancer just now that i really
stopped to hold it all.

this cancer stuff scares me a lot. it's all around
people my age. i can't turn around without hearing
about it. over and over i'm reminded that a pleasant
healthy day ain't no guarantee.

it's a gift.
and what you do with it matters.

living it with integrity is honoring the gift.
anything less is a dropping the gift in the mud.

it's that simple, ter.

suddenly even wobbling over those moments seems
so blind to me.

if i know it's a gift, i won't wobble.

so, once again, i take my wobbly self down the
road, remembering i have a gift in my hands.

i'll forget real soon, i'm sure.

but somewhere, someone's always reminding me.

and i'm so grateful for that.....