i'm listening

i figured the start of something out.
just the very start of it.
i'm not sure what to do with it, but
it feels mighty important to me.

i'm wonderin' if this would hold true for
a lot of people. maybe the 'part' would
be different, but the rest would be the same?

uh.
let me see if i can explain.

there's a HUGE childlike part of me.
huge.
and that part of me gets frustrated a lot
because i need connections and interactions
with that part. there are some kinda needs
to that part of me. just like there are needs
to all parts of me. but to that part, the needs
don't seem to get met 'enough.'

so, i think we all have different parts.
and doesn't matter what they are, maybe we all
have one or two parts that the needs don't really
get met for.

what do we do with that?

i had been looking for outside sources to fill
the needs.

and that hasn't worked.
i've tried hard.
given it a lotta thought.
tweaked and tried again.

and when that didn't work....

well, i've been doin' this brilliant bit of
squashin' down the needs and ignoring them.

that'll work wonders, i'm sure.

my ol' mantra came into my head.
when i was first on my own. the mantra i said
about twenty zillion times:
"everything i need is within me."

i went back to that as i thought thru this stuff.

yeah, i'll need other people for parts of things,
but the real need-meeting has to come from
inside me.

and the first need is to stop stifling that part
of me that wants to play.

to stop ignoring the nudges and the desires.
to stop looking outside me for answers.

where's that leave me?
what do i do?

i just actually shook my head as i typed.
i haven't a clue.

but sometimes i think if i start with 'i don't
know what to do, but i'm listening....' that
things will start to happen.

so i think i'll start there this morning.

i don't know what to do.
but i'm listening.