it was sposed to just be lunch....

bob and i met up with josh for lunch.
my treat, i declared because in my head,
in my own way, i wanted to celebrate something
special to me. i didn't need to make lunch
about it...i just wanted to hold it in my heart
while i ate.

when bob and i returned home, he turned
to me and asked what was up.
'one terri walked into that restaurant
and another terri walked out.'
what happened? he wanted to know.

how do i explain this, i thought???

it had been a week chock full of things
that were so big i didn't know how to
hold them....

things that were so big,i had no other
word for them but 'evil.'

i gingerly tried to walk around them a bit
and not really hold them. tried to peek
at them a tiny bit, but not really look
at them.

even the ginger peeks were making me
unsteady and hitting too deep.

all of the things involved women getting
hurt or killed...people trying to survive
horrendous situations....and some not making it.

josh sat down at lunch and immediately started
to tell us of a song he was writing.
'did you guys see in the news about the lady
who shot her husband?' he said.
launching into the story with the vigor of
a 23 year old totally detached from the issues,
he dug right into the details.

i was there in my mind. i could see the whole
thing. my head dropped as he told the story,
and i weakly shook my head. i tried to comment
and heard my voice. soft, beaten, not able to
respond.

josh caught the story got to me, changed the
subject and moved on. bob and josh talked,
i ate lost in the world of evil and pain we
inflict on each other.

i tried to snap out of it.
to think of something to say.
to chat.
i tried.
asked about his day.
commented on the really good salad.

but i wasn't there anymore.
both guys knew it, and neither knew why.
josh had pushed me over the edge i had been
tryin' not to step over all week.

when i explained all this to bob later, the
tears came.

i was there to celebrate how lucky i was to
be able to donate to that place, i said to him.

the place is where women get a fresh start after
leaving prison....

i was there to celebrate being able to help with
that, i told him.

but instead, i got reminded of the very real
pain and agony and fear that women walk around with.
josh had brought the very realness of it all to life.

yeah, people.
not just women.
this week tho, it was women inside my mind.
including the women at this place.

'they're survivors' the director had told me.
'they've been thru so much trauma and pain and loss
it's staggering.'

my week had been full of staggering stories.

he looked at me.
held me while i told him.
brushed a tear off my check and so gently
asked me 'how do you survive here, terri? how
do you make it?'

'not so good sometimes.' i said.

not so good.

i'll be back tho.
the terri who walked into that restaurant
will be back. give me a moment.

can you do that? he asked.

i went to the bathroom.
washed up.
told myself i was with him now. here.
it was our chance to play and laugh.
we'd been having a lotta fun.

i closed my eyes.
held the pain a bit and set it down.
gonna have to hold you some more, i said.
but for now.....i gotta go love someone who
is here with me now.

i went out and goofed and laughed and played
and loved with him. because i could.
because he gave me space to. he let me see
what was inside me. he gave me room to figure
out what i wanted to do with it.

i want to honor their pain.
i so do.
and i don't know how.

but i do know that loving him, laughing with
him....enjoying our incredible day together was
right.

i fell right back into it....all the while,
quietly holding women everywhere in my heart.