Tuesday, September 8, 2009


was all gray out as i walked this morning.
perfect for my mood.
i was feelin' as overcast inside as it was

feelin' like i've hit a turning point with
a young man i care a lot about. feel like
the turn takes us away from each other...
for awhile anyway.

definitely feel like something ended for he
and i over the past few months. and while i
know there's time for us to meander back in
some way sooner or later...i also know something
really is gone.

i walked and thought of all the effort.
tremendous tremendous effort and energy.
giving and trying and love and patience...
for what? i kept asking myself?
for what?

ahhhh i keep tryin' to tell myself.....
you don't know. you can't tell.
it did good. you just can't see it.

no kiddin' i can't see it.

and the holding on to that thought is half
hearted. feels like an attempt to pacify myself
and fool myself. doesn't feel good.

and it all serves as such a painful reminder
to me that good doesn't always win.

i hate that.

i really wish it did.

so i asked myself...if you knew, ter.......
if you knew it would get to this point,
would you have done it the same way?


yeah. i didn't hesitate.

i would have to.

cause how can you not give love when there's
a chance, a hope, that it could help???

as i hit the corner, it was misty and spittin'
out. and i thought how perfect this all is....
that's me....overcast, misty and spittin.

it sucks.

but it is what it is.

to learn how to really accept that everyone is
on their own paths....
and all i can do is watch.

i've been at this spot with others.
and every time it's a tremendous effort to
get comfortable with just allowing and watching.

maybe i'll never get the hang of it.
maybe each time i'll have to try to get there
all over again.

i've gotten there before tho....
so i'll just try again....

1 comment:

Merry ME said...

I believe sometimes all you can do is plant the seed. Love is like everything else, it has to grow at its own pace, in its own way.

What you don't see today on top of the dirt may be growing deep roots underneath. You've done your work.
You've watered (tears)and added sunshine (your own personal light) now you've got to let the seed grow or not.

Wait and see. What looks a little like a stinky old weed today might just turn into the prettiest flower in the garden.

Loving your ability to give.