the start

so she called just before i finished
that last blog.
(see post below)

and we talked.

and we walked thru the very beginnings.

josh had said something to me last nite
that i found really amazing.

he had called and heard the edge in my voice.
i told him the news i had just gotten.
about my friend and the cancer.

he tuned right in.
and said he and i need to take a walk.
'maybe we can take a walk by the river and
talk about all this.' he offered.

i love him so much.
and he said that he noticed that i say that
i hate cancer.
and he noticed it because i never say i hate
anything.

and he always says he hates stuff and yet he
never says he hates cancer.

'you might think that's cause i'm young and i
haven't lost people to cancer, but that's not
true, i have.'

and he has.

he told me that we needed to talk about my
feelings.

i've been thinking about that ever since.

it's not cancer i hate.
it's what it does.
it's the total lack of control.
the total not knowing.
the disruption.
the loss.

all that stuff.

that all popped into my head after i hung up
with my friend just now.

we talked of all she could get out of this journey
ahead of her.
she worried about her kids.....
and i pointed out how they'd step up and they'd
gain from stepping up. they're older, they'll step
up and grow big time.

we talked of the bad.....and the good.
we talked of the hard....and the learning.
we talked of the fear....and the trust.

maybe that stuff i hate....
that darkness.....
maybe that's the place where we find the gold.

and while i don't wish it on anyone,
and i so wish i could take it away from everyone....

maybe we have to keep our eyes open to the gold.
it's there.
and i'm gonna be right next to my friend as she
finds it.

i'm gonna help her remember she can find it.
and i'm gonna celebrate with her as she does find
it.