Thursday, September 17, 2009

thinking out loud once again....

she was on my mind this morning.
her and our talk about her marriage struggles.

her confusion was familiar to me. with struggles
in general. you find yourself in the middle
of a muddle and you try to look at it clearly
but you question every which way you're lookin'
at it.

maybe it's this....but maybe if i look at it
this way it's REALLY that.

oh yes.
i know that muddle.

so i walked and tried to figure out what you
do with those muddles.

so i went to her example of marriage....

is it possible to just boil it down to a simple
thing like 'do we have a healthy love?'
and take it from there?

if the answer's no....then are both parties
willing to create health?

if not, then for me, it'd be clear.
i want health.
so i'd leave.

i know.
i know.
it's not so clear.
believe me....i really do know.

but i want something clear for my own life.
so i kept goin'.

i thought of my own relationship.
there have been several times, including very
recently that i didn't think we'd make it.
a healthy love was never the problem.
everything else in the world....but not that.
which is maybe why we're still together.
we have a very healthy love.

so how about some of my other relationships?
i have deliberately chosen to have relationships
with some people i know are not healthy. what
we have together is not healthy.

so you can't use the 'is this healthy? if not,
walk' argument there, can ya, ter??? cause
i chose to stay.

i choose to be in those as it seems 'kind' to me.

can we take 'kind' to the level of 'love'??
do you choose to out of love?

if yes....and i would hesitate as i'm not sure it's
any deeper than kindness....but if yes....

then let's apply what it says in that book about love -
love is either about your spiritual development
or theirs. is there spiritual development goin' on

the unhealthy parts of those relationships is what
i call the constant game playing.

game playing does zilch for spiritual development.
so if you're doin' that, then you aren't doin'
anyone any good and it's not love.

hmmmmmm.......i'm thinking i'm liking this train of

if i feel some sense of obligation...and i do....
and if i want to be love....and i do....
then i need to notch the kindness up to love and
keep spiritual development in mind.

what do i do with that?

perhaps it's being fully present with no games.
i try...and do pretty good....
but it seems almost an impossible task.

well...maybe that's where the spiritual development
comes in. to take something that feels impossible
and make it possible.

truth's very possible no one else will
enjoy me doin' this. grin. very very possible.
but that's okay. i do know if i totally lose these
people by being true to myself and being loving,
that that's okay.

so okay....
wandering thru the process....
maybe you can boil it all down.

am i in a healthy situation?
if not, does anyone else in that situation
want it to be healthy?
if not and i choose to stay, then am i acting
with love?

(and i would use a definition of that as either
my spiritual development or their spiritual development
is being progressed somehow....)

NOT ENABLED....that's important.


1 comment:

Merry ME said...

Hmmm.... This is gonna take some concentrating!