non coherent part two.....

i looked out the window and saw the pink streaks
in the sky. time to roll...
popped on my shoes and stepped out into the morning.

first thing i noticed was the moon hiding just behind
some wisps of clouds. ohhhhh......you could still see
it....just misty.

walked a little further and it came right on out and
shone bright. then right back behind the mist....
like it couldn't make up its mind.

i looked up at it, 'i know how you feel.' i said.

there were clouds that made the funkiest prettiest pattern.
they took my breath away.
and there was patches of orange and pink. and a cream
color over there that looked so delicious i wanted to eat it.

seemed like there were thousands of moods in the sky.
and again, i looked up and said 'i know how you feel.'

josh stopped by last nite and told me yet another piece to
the story of the woman raped over at his work. his landlady
was kinda confused and told josh that the woman had 'lost'
three hours of time afterwards.

josh nodded and explained to her that people sometimes do
that with trauma. it's called dissociating, and they actually
kinda step out cause they can't bear to stay in.

my face was away from josh. i fought the tears back. and instead
of talking about the pain i was feeling, i commented on his
knowing about these things. that's so awesome.

i thought of this woman as i walked.
'she'll never be the same.' i thought.
it will always be part of her now.

the tears welled up inside.
i thought of my own stuff that won't leave me.
not rape. no.
other traumas. other things that are hard for me to put down.
try as i will.....they show their face over and over.
and bring the mists in front of me like the moon this morning.

i thought of the women and children in africa and here. and every
where. i thought of all that patty had written about.

i looked at the sky.
it wasn't pretty at all.
it surprised me.
it was an icky yellowish color.
like polluted kinda.

wow.
that so fits these thoughts.

i kept on thinking....

i thought about the pain involved and how it does
something to us and changes us. and drops walls at the same
time it puts up walls.

there are connections that are so incredibly real and raw
thru pain...the walls drop at certain moments and we see
each other's souls.

it's such a weird weird thing.
it's horrible.
and yet it's real. we all have trauma. and the touching of souls
that can happen when we share it....that part is incredible.

what a mix living is.

i got to my good morning world spot and the sky was radiant.

oh wow.
everywhere i look, a different mood in the sky.

as i walked home, i looked at the blues.
they weren't the perky let's go play blues.
they were the come, lay down and be, blues.

i thought of that and how perfect the color was.
and how i just wanted to be today. i wanted to just
hold things and be.

and then, on the very last stretch home, the perky let's
go play blues came out.

okay, i said.
just about throwin' up my hands.

'you're playin' with me' i said to the sky.
i've never noticed you do this before.

i felt something go thru me.
a feeling.
a thought.
yeah....it's all a game.
the whole thing is a game.
there's some sad parts, and hard parts, and
traumatic parts, and there's joyful parts, and
goofy parts, and satisfying parts.....
and it's all a game.

come, play with me.

i looked at the sky, bowed down to it,
and said okay.....i'll play.