riding on the breeze

i found myself sitting under the maple tree
listening to the rain fall on and thru it.
i leaned my head back against the chair, face
up and let the rain fall on and thru me.

i opened my eyes and saw the branches of
another tree high above the maple's.
its leaves were swaying in the breeze while
the maple's stayed still.

i watched, intrigued. it was beautiful.
a kaleidoscope of leaves up there...
some moving. some not.

and i thought about catchin' the wind.
you gotta reach high enough, i thought.
if you're not catchin' the flow....you gotta
reach higher.

warming up in a hot shower, my thoughts turned
to yet another gruesome rape story. since i've
brought this up, i've been hearin' from women.

i thought of the story and while it's a story of
a survivor, i was stuck on the treatment of this
little girl as completely valueless.

i think that's probably the thing that gets me
the most about any violence....the complete dismissal
of the other person's value.

while i'm embarrassed to bring it up as i do not
want to be perceived in any way as comparing it...
cause it can't compare....i do know the damage that
happened to me when i was molested.

i had no idea until about 35 years later that
that incident burned the message into my cells
that i didn't matter.

i dried off thinking about that.
burned into my cells.
yeah. that's what i'd say it did.

so think of this other stuff.
yeah....it's got to do that. big time.

there are moments here and there that i realize it's
still there. i don't carry it all around and think of it.
it's moments that are the hardest for me, when i'm
doubting myself the most, that that feeling surfaces.
and that's when i know it's still with me.

how will i ever lose it if it's burned into my cells??

and then it kinda hit me.
maybe you just plain won't.
maybe you just gotta know it's there and reach beyond
it.

and i thought of the branches in the wind....

maybe you gotta reach higher and catch the breeze, ter.

you're always gonna have scars...branded cells....if it's
not this, there will be something else.
cause life is full of that stuff. and messages do get burned
into cells.

but maybe it's a matter of reachin' higher.
which for me means reachin' deeper.
higher means deeper to me.
because i think if you reach high enough, deep enough...
there's a place where those messages can't hold you back
anymore.

maybe it's not about dropping stuff that you can't drop.
maybe it's about reaching beyond that stuff...and catchin'
the breeze anyway....

and lettin' the breeze carry that weight for you.

reachin' higher.
reachin' deeper.
and riding on the breeze.