i still kinda go with the theory that i scared her.
that i was a little too free, not religious enough,
and that maybe that kept her from me. but it doesn't
really feel like it can be enough....
i remember the very last time i saw her, i held both
her hands in mine and i looked her straight in the
eyes and told her 'don't let anyone tell you what
you can and cannot do. don't let anyone take your
dreams from you.' and then i told her that if she
needed to talk, i was right there.
and then i stepped back.
because i never believed she really wanted to talk
to me about this stuff.
i had a really strong feeling she wasn't comfortable
i couldn't come up with any reason besides the religious
one. she was very very religious. i was not.
and she never came to me.
never wanted to talk.
six months later she took her life.
someone wrote to me today.
she's bein' there for her 15 year old granddaughter.
it's a rough road. but she's gonna be there for her and
try to help her become a strong woman.
i teared up.
and i thanked her for being there for her.
told her it mattered.
and that i wasn't there for someone.
i've been tearin' up ever since.
i can't understand why she wouldn't come to me.
i think of myself as loving and open and warm.
why wouldn't she come to me???
i've told myself all the things you guys are thinking.
it's just that time of year.
almost the anniversary of her death.
she's on my mind every day.
and i keep thinking that i coulda been way way more
so why do i put this out there?
i really really don't want anyone to write and tell
me that i'm wonderful. thank you if you even think of that.
i put it out there cause i really think i dropped a ball.
no, i don't think i dropped the main ball.
there were people she did turn to.
people she did feel comfortable with.
people she did talk to.
and they did drop the ball.
they didn't listen.
they didn't act.
but at the same time.....there's a ball i dropped.
and the grandma that wrote me today brought it all back to
we need to be there for each other.
and if someone can't come to us, maybe we ought to check
in here and there and see if they need us to come to them.
maybe i just shoulda done that.....