and there it was.....

oh for pete's sakes.

i did good. a couple of different
kinda situations that challenge me
came up and i did good.

thought i was making progress....
and yeah, i am....

BUT....i saw something last nite.
which, maybe just seein' it is progress.

i saw this discrete little wall i put
up around my heart. i actually saw it.
kinda like a thin plexiglass shield kinda
thing that was hand sewn in with these
x stitches at the bottom and edges of my
heart. my heart and it have kinda grown
together.

no kidding.

oh yeah.

i saw it clearly.
felt it.

it's the thing that gets me thru different
challenging moments, i think.

which would be fine and okay if i wasn't
shootin' for an open heart. shields and
open don't exactly go together.

great.
great.

and i know there are times for protection
and times you need defenses and such.
i'm okay with temporary ones.

but this one....i saw it....
it's clearly there continually.
it's become part of me.

i think i need to be glad i saw it.
i think that maybe that says i'm moving along
right there. so i'm tryin' to be happy about
that part.

but now.
the big question....

what do i do with it?

i ask myself 'do you want it?'
and the quick, without thinking answer is no.

but um.......
how about are you ready to toss it?

and the quick, without thinking answer is no.

i was at the book store yesterday and i got a book
called 'menopause without medicine.'
i was excited about it as i'm pre-menopause and
figured maybe i could head off a lotta stuff by
really getting healthy.

the new year is comin' up fast, i am getting
psyched to get in a real healthy mode with my
body.

this morning i keep thinking about that shield
around my heart.

i'm not sure yet what i want to do with it.
but i do think that i want to get really healthy
with my heart as well as my body.

man, i wish it was as easy as taking a vitamin
and hoppin' on the treadmill. maybe chowin' down
some kale.

gonna have to give this some thought for the new year.

heart exercises?
heart vitamins?

whew.
this sounds like work.........
how much do you want it, ter?
how much do you want it?