my friend

she used to be drop dead gorgeous.
hmmmm. odd phrase.

in some ways her looks did kill her.
but only part of her.
another part refuses to die.
and keeps tryin' to shine.

we met when she was in her late 50's,
major weight issues, a lot of demons in
her head, and a lot of goodness in her soul.

we clicked right away and sorta adopted
each other. have been close ever since.
she's a source of wisdom and unconditional
love for me.

yesterday, for the first time, after knowing
her for about seven years, she showed me some
pictures of when she was young.

looked as if she walked off a hollywood movie set.

wow.
she was 'perfect.'

i sat and looked at these pictures, and thought
of all the stories she had told me over the years
of her growing up.

rape comes up more than once.
the coat hanger nightmare that i'd only read about
before i knew her was among the memories she's shared.
i couldn't believe it when she told me that story.
and the coat hanger wasn't the worst part. how is
that possible???
i don't think i coulda imagined the story on my own.

the pain. the loss. the learning the lesson over
and over that she didn't matter.

and there we sat, in her little living room.
she was in a wheelchair. her knee had given out.
her weight is a problem. she got a lesson in that
the hard way recently, and the wheelchair is scaring
her. she's working on a diet.

we talked of food.
of our bodies.
of the messages we really believed about our bodies.

the tears rolled down her face as she said 'i've been
punishing myself for years.'

we talked of the love we felt inside ourselves and how
hard it was to fit in sometimes. how we found it so
easy to be loving and compassionate to others, and
so easy to be hard on ourselves....

we sniffled, laughed, and hugged.

all the while, the guys were workin' on her car.
checkin' it out. making sure it was okay, tweaking
what needed tweaking for her.

they finsihed, came in, and saw us all teary.
we joked with them.
and then we all gathered in that tiny place and put
up her tiny tree we had given her years ago.

gatherin' around her wheelchair for hugs all around,
we headed out for the rest of the day.
it was much lighter, lots of goofin', even some
art buying.....major good stuff.

as we drove home in the dark last nite, i mentioned
to the guys what my friend had said. they don't
know all her stories. just that she's had some hard
times. but it was the quote that i wanted them to
know.....'i have been punishing myself for years.'

they all love her a lot.
they sat with her words, kinda held it.
it was moving for me to see.

she has told me over and over again how she has trouble
with men and how she loves my guys and how moving she
finds it that they are growing into really incredible
men. that somehow that helps her.

as they sat with her pain for a moment, i thought of
her feelings towards them.

amazing the connections and the healing that come in
ways you'd just never realize.

for my friend, for all of us, i'm doin' a prayer today.
may we all see how much we matter. and may we all learn
how to hold our beauty.