shifting and flowing....

i was watchin'.
feelin'.
tryin' to let things flow thru
rather than hold them.

i watched how things progressed.
what i did with my conversations.
what i did with those conversations
after they were done.

what was goin' on inside of me.

i checked in with little terri.

i was aware.

and i felt something shifting, moving
inside me.

i could FEEL it happening.

i watched. felt. wondered.

i had to call my buddy who's like a mom to me.
we kept missing each other.
there was relief inside me about that.
there's such honesty between us, i wasn't sure
i could handle it tonite.

ah. i missed her. got her machine.
relief.

and yet, some part of me needed her.
cause i tried again later.
when i didn't have to.
already left a message sayin' i'd catch her next
week.

i could run.
hide.
wait out a few days then check in when i was really
stable.

some part of me wanted her.
needed her.

i called again.
and i got her.

i skirted around what i really needed to talk about
for a bit.

but then it came.
and i filled her in.

logically.
as detached as i could.
i could hear her tearin' up over it.
she was tearin' up over my stuff.
she cares that much.
and she relates so much to it she can
feel it.
we are definitely kindred spirits.

i dropped the logic and detachment
and went for the honest open heart.

told her i was okay and explained why.
she was worried about me. cause she's like
a mom to me. so i explained to her what
exactly was up and what i was feeling
and why i knew it was really good stuff.

i had to put it in words out loud.
and mean it.

i could.
i heard myself.
knew what i was sayin' was true.

she got it.
understood.
i told her i loved her.

when i hung up, the shift inside me felt solid.
i felt like i was on some kinda solid ground for
the first time in weeks.

gosh, this is a weird ride.

with the ground shifting and moving and shaking me
whenever it seems to feel like it.

me wobblin' and stumblin' and leanin' and then
findin' the steady feet when i least expect it.

i want to hunker down and get prepared for the
next ground shaking stuff. for the next time the
earth is gonna open up and try to swallow me....

and i know i can't.
but i'll try anyway.

i'm gonna work on opening and awareness and
flowing and not holding, and talking with little ter.
i'm gonna do all that and read and ponder and listen.

and then get shook up all over again.

and one of these days maybe i'll figure out that that's
okay. that that's living.

and maybe one day i'll be okay with the flow just
like it is.