clarifying.....

my buddy mary commented on one of the recent
posts and made me laugh.

she was a bit surprised at my sayin' that
one of the things i wanted to work on this
year was being okay with the work that
relationships take.

making the observation that i work hard and
dig in daily, she thought i was maybe bein
hard on myself.

grinnin' here.

bein' hard on myself is easy for me to do,
so that's real possible. but it's not the
deal with this stuff.

i really really really really really really
wish that it was just plain easier sometimes
with my relationship with bob. that's the one
that i want to just get comfortable with -
that it's okay it's work. REAL WORK.

somewhere in my head, i keep that disney movie
rollin' and think it's sposed to be music and
love and EASIER! easier easier easier.

a lot of my struggles are that i don't accept
that love requires so much work.

i fight that concept.
i work at it. i work hard at it.
but at the same time.....
i think it shouldn't have to be that way.
that i'm doin' something wrong here.
so there's an underlying fight to it all inside
me. it's a constant fight. i want it to be
different.

and that can take a toll.

and that's the part i've decided to work on this
year. to stop fighting the work.

i honestly believe that the personality combination
of my partner and myself is an incredibly challenging
one. i honestly believe the fact that we work so
completely differently requires tremendous amount of
effort to see, understand and accept each other.

and i honestly believe we've chosen to go to a level
of truly doing that. 'real' is the most important thing
to both of us.

and i honestly believe that this weird combination
of the two of us and the goal we share is what is
really going to teach me love.

i had no idea what it meant before to REALLY accept
someone's differences.

i could do it if you were over there and not affecting
my life much. but what if you're in my face? part of
my life? do i try to change you? do i ignore you and
grow to just dislike parts of you?
well that doesn't work.
and what happened to the loving who that person is?
even THAT part?
this is all so teaching me love.

i had no idea what it meant before to REALLY try
to see someone when i got hurt over and over and over
and to REALLY try to see that they love me even if
it doesn't feel like it at some really crucial times.
to be vulnerable over and over again and trust that
they care enough to hear.

i had no idea the level of trust i would have to dive to
to reach the depths of love that we have.

i had no idea what it was like to dig down past
all the outer layers to what's really really underneath.

it is so so so so much work.

and yeah..........so many times i wish it was easier.
so so so many times.

and i think that a real key to all of this for me is
to stop wishing it was easier, accept that it's not,
and be okay with that.

to trust this incredible love is real even when it
feels so hard so many times.

to trust.
that darn concept of trust.

trust and love.

my gosh.
more work than i ever could have imagined.

and the more i touch them, the more i want them.
so why do i keep fighting the work?

i do the work.
but he drags me kicking and screaming thru some
of it. a lot of it.

because somewhere i've been holdin' on to some
kinda doubt that it can't be right if it's so hard.

pphhllllppppppppppp........

that's garbage.
truth is i think he and i are onto something
that not everyone gets to experience.
and there's a reason for that......

yep.

the work.

so while i've done it, i've never embraced it.

while i've been dedicated to it, i've always
wished there was less of it.

there has always been an underlying fight.

this year i want to put that fight to rest.

and THAT's what i meant in that other post.....

smilin at mary.
thanks for the nudge.
typing it out reminded me of how much i want it.