diggin' in.

we sat over lunch and talked.

fear vs. love was the topic.

i wondered out loud if we had taken a turn
and weren't as good as we used to be with
this stuff. if maybe we were gettin' stuck.

he leaned back and snorted at me.
'you're kiddin' me?!'

i told him why i was wonderin' about it.

he pointed out to me how much deeper we've
gotten and how we're headin' into some pretty
deep waters. and that's why it's felt like it
has.

he's good.
he has no idea how good he is with this stuff.
i can keep up. but just barely.

i argued a few points, thinking he wasn't getting
it. oh no, turns out he was three steps ahead of
me each time.

he came up with a totally brilliant insight.
i told him it was brilliant.
he agreed it was good.
i smiled at him.

no one knows him the way i do.
what a gift to not only see this side of him,
but to work with it like we do.

our relationship makes me step up to the plate.
kinda like mothering little kids does.
sometimes it takes everything inside of me.
stuff i didn't even know i had.
strength i have to reach inside and just pull
up and know it's there even when i don't feel
it for sure.

i stared at my salad.
poking an onion.

'you're not saying anything' he said.

i was thinking.
trying to take it all in.
knowing what he was saying was true.
knowing i had a whole lot of growing to do.

we've come a long way.
we both know it.
and we know there's no stopping with the work.
that it's forever. and it gets deeper and deeper.
some of it gets way easier.
some of it doesn't.
he's way more okay with that than i am.

i know one of my things this year i want to get to
is being okay with the work. accepting that as part
of the journey.

i really do want to learn love.
i've got some of it....but my gosh.......there's
a whole lot more to get.....

which is a good thing.
and a scary thing.
and an exciting thing.

i don't think i could have a better partner in
figuring it out.....