Tuesday, January 12, 2010

a whole different angle

everything was kinda on 'extra tuned'
yesterday. honest to pete. there's something
about having a cold...but not having it too
bad. it puts me in a different world.

there were moments my maturity totally
amazed me.
wow, i thought. THAT was REALLY mature.
and i would be impressed with myself.
for a moment i'd hope this new maturity
was a new way of life.

nah, it's the cold, i remembered.

then there were times i was so whiney
the kids were concerned. 'she's really
whiney. we need to get her to take a break.'
'mom. when you're about to cry over the
files, you need to take a break.'

but i don't wannna...........

realizing, i had better, i sat and made
that check in call i really needed to make.
we again hit the topic of things hitting
her outta the blue that would bring her back
to her pain. and how hard that was.
i listened, shared it with her, and thought
again how the cold makes me different.
slower. better in a way. or at least a good

i hung up and went back to my folders.
was reaching for the last one.

immediately recognized the scribble on it.
my dad's handwriting.

ya know.....this happened to me last year
when i did files. exact same thing.
i forgot that was there. recognized the
handwriting, opened it up to find my dad's
obituary and a separate picture of my parents.
my mom had slipped those in one of my dad's
old folders for me.

talk about things hitting you out of the blue.

i sat there and read the obituary again.
like i had never seen it before. saw how they
got my name wrong in it.

what is it with my family? they could NEVER get
my name right....no matter what it was. thru
my whole life. someone in my family always got
it wrong. i am NOT kidding.

how weird.

i looked at my dad's picture.
i like him.
in spite of all the gunk. i like him.

got that melancholy feeling.
and just sat there with it.
didn't try to change it.
didn't try to do anything.
i just sat there with it.
felt it.

then i quietly slipped the folder
back, and went back to what i was doing.

i'll be glad when the cold's totally gone.
cause that energy level i usually carry
gets me thru a whole lot....

but i tell ya....i can't remember when i've
enjoyed a cold like this before.

it's a whole different angle on my days.

and maybe we need those here and there.

1 comment:

peggi said...

maybe we DO get wiser as we age. when i lost my first child, i was 24. and when i had those melancholy times, i thought that if i just ran right through them it would just all go away. not so much. it all found me about 4 years later with a depression so bad that i didn't think i was ever going to find the light again. this time i'm 52 and i guess i've learned SOMETHING. when the melancholy hits, most times i can acknowledge it and walk through it, not run from it. easier said than done, but i'm trying. and i guess that is all we can do. keeping you in my heart terri.