Thursday, February 4, 2010

let go? nah.....

oh i thought i had it.
i mean i so thought i had it.

it's so easy terri!
just don't be attached to the outcome!
and you're all set!!

yeah....well....uh.....right.

i'm interacting right now with someone
i've interacted with for years now.
and i have dents in the walls from where
i banged my head over and over during
those years. and in that head banging,
i learned something....

let go.
it's not mine.
let go.

and i have!

okay...so it's taken years.
but i've done it!

so now, we're interacting and i know this.
let go. it's not mine.
don't be attached to the outcome.

and i gotta tell you, i rock!

i'm doin' it!
and it's so workin' beautifully for me!

so i puff my little self around and tell
myself i know the answer now. and off i go
for my walk to think on it.

well...um.......
there's one slight hitch here.....
I'M ATTACHED TO A THOUSAND OUTCOMES!

i mean really really really attached.

oh yeah, i can nod knowingly at you and say
i understand i shouldn't be, or that's not
enlightened or helpful.....

but so what?
I STILL AM!!!

i've let go of this one cause i've gotten
hurt a ton, so much so that i just don't
care anymore.

that's the honest truth.
well....not totally honest truth....
cause i still do care a little bit.
but not like i used to.

so maybe i haven't let go.
maybe i just got beaten into submission.

great.
great.

i KNOW that the way to go is to let go
of attachments.

and i can see way clearly i don't wanna.

so i'm laughin......and shakin' my head
and thinking i got a looooooong way to go
to hit enlightenment!

so much for puffin' around with the answers.
looks like it's back to the drawing board....

2 comments:

dreamphemera said...

Oh, God, do I know how you feel! I struggle with this, too -- I struggle to let go of expectations for others that I've really no right to have -- I struggle to let go of hopes I have for things to go the way I'd like, or the way I think they should...
And then there is the human part of me -- the part that feels deeply, who lives fiercely, who struggles grandly, who weeps and wails and gnashes her teeth and shakes her fist at God...and a part of me likes this part of me -- A part of me likes knowing that I am so vibrant and alive and deeply passionate about my life, and the people in it, and the world.
And when I can get really honest with myself, I can see how both sides of myself are good -- and necessary. And how, even in the midst of letting go, or struggling to let go, or refusing to let go in the way that only we humans can, that this is what it's all about. Making a choice -- and loving the fact that I can make that choice -- and sinking into whatever choice I make, and making the most of it.

Anonymous said...

I'm actually kind of relieved to read this post.
I, too, have known about detachment. St. Ignatius Loyola taught that, lived that in the 16th century.
He said to do God's will, to do what's right is all that's required. You don't have to "convert" people. Just do what's right. What happens, happens.

I, too, can never quite achieve that, but like you, I get close at times. Hang onto that.