Friday, March 5, 2010

good questions...

there's a topic that's big on my mind that i
wanted to put out here. feels important.
haven't done so yet as i don't know how to nutshell it.

i'm thinking that a lot of times people get placed
into 'roles' in their lives and people 'love' them
for their fulfillment of those roles.

for me, i felt that happen.
i was loved when i was the good daughter, the good
wife and mom, the good whatever.

when i didn't fill the role, that love took some pretty
big turns.

as far as i can tell, it was the role that was loved.
not me.

i didn't feel seen, even tho people claimed they knew
me very well. i didn't feel known.

i didn't feel known.
by the people closest to me.

that sucks.
what's cool, is i'm not weighed down with that
anymore. that's past.

BUT it comes up in present when i even get a hint
that it might be happening again!

in talking with bob this weekend, he helped me see
how important that is to me now. how if i feel like
the 'role' thing is happening, i run the other way,
shut down, and leave.

and yeah, i think i do.

we talked of the differences of 'taking someone for
granted' and 'needing someone to fill a role.'

i think they're different. neither feels good.
but the taking for granted is something everyone does
at some point. and if there's real love there, a gentle
pointing that out should fix the problem. (if it
doesn't....well, that's a whole 'nother story!)

but the role thing.....that's not so easy to fix.
someone needs you to be something. so much so that they
give up who you are and make you who they want you
to be.

the reason i put it out here is because it's on my mind
and also, i find when i word things like this, put them
out in a way i can step back and look, it helps me see
what i'm doing with my relationships. from both ends.
i look to make sure i'm not filling a role, and also to
make sure i'm not making anyone else fill a role.

that's especially helpful with parents, i think.
i look at my sons and want to make sure i'm not doin' that
to them. that kinda thing.

and i thought it might be a good thing to offer. for anyone
else who wants to step back and look.

are you fillin' a role for someone?
how come?
are you asking someone else to fill a role for you?
how come?

good questions, i think........


Pamela Jones said...

It doesn't matter if someone thinks you're the best darned caterpillar on the face of the earth...your wings will feel cramped and useless if you're really destined to be a butterfly.

Nurse Practitioner Sue said...

I get this completely and agree - "taking for granted" is something we ALL do but when we step back, it is love at the core. But the role thing, oh gosh....yes & how can anyone ever fulfill a "role" without being a mind reader? And who even WANTS to play a role in the first place? I know I'm guilty of doing that; having hopes (expectations?) for people in my life & we just set ourselves up for disappointment. We just have to allow others to BE. for roles: release, release, release. Thanks, Terri.

Auntly H said...

Oh! Thank you. You've put into words something I've felt, but been unable to articulate clearly (even to myself) for years.