mixed

what a mixed up combination of things inside
me this morning as i watch the rain come down.

i got to a good spot inside and am excited to
conquer the world. and then i heard about her
health.

i'm hoping the news is all wrong. and that's
possible. the messenger gets mixed up. and
maybe the news is mixed up.

i tried to contact her and find out. didn't
work. i'm still waiting to hear.

so in the back of mind, and sometimes right
in the front of my mind, she's there.

i woke up slowly this morning. laying in bed
i just lay there and slowly opened my eyes.
my hair was hanging in front of my face making
a shadowy curtain for my eyes as i looked at
the dimly lit room.

i looked thru the curtain of my hair and
just lay still thinking of her. wondering how
she was. wondering what she was thinking.

after i heard the news yesterday, i wrote a
friend about living life with two feet in.

i'm filled with it.
now, tho, it's almost a panic. and i know that's
not right.

i watch the rain fall and try to steady myself.

we have no idea how long we're here. and as far
as i can tell, it's gonna feel too short no matter
what.

two feet in, ter.
not in a panicked kinda way.
no. that's not good.

two feet in in a trusting, kinda way.

more determined than ever this morning....
and a little wobbly too.