a nite to remember

there were two women who were scheduled to talk.
they came up to me, i thought to just say hi.

as the one with laryngitis tried to talk to me,
i heard her voice.

uh oh.

and then they asked me.
would i fill in for her.

i squirmed.

really really squirmed.

i'm really shy, i told them.
i blush a lot. i'll blush all the way thru
it.

they looked at me and told me it would really help
them out.....and that my blushing would match
my shirt, and it would all be great practice for me.

sigh.

i didn't want to be a drag.
i wanted to be a big girl. step up if they needed it.
sigh.

sure.
of course.
sure.
yeah. i can do this.

um....what are we sposed to do???

just talk about how being a woman has affected your
art.

oh.
sure.
sure.

huh???

i went off to find my sons.
all i could think of was i needed help!

they were both talking to someone.
the woman was closer to josh and seemed
to be telling him something.

i grabbed yo yo.
i just walked over, took his arm.

excuse me, i need to grab him for a second.

and i pulled him off to the side.
'NOAh! (yo's real name) they want me to talk about
the femininity in my art! ohmygosh, help me!'

he looked down from way up high where he stands and
smiled that gentle smile of his.

'mom, that's all your art is. it'll be easy.'

'where do i start?? what do i say??'

and he put his arm around me and told me to just
talk, it'd be fine.'

sigh.

a dear friend of mine was standing near by. i walked
up to him. thunked my head on his shoulder and said
ohmygosh, they want me to talk.

there was no time for him to respond......we were up.

can we just sit here? i quietly asked the woman i was
doin' this with. i knew her, she's a friend, she knew
i was way shy. she had told me to just follow her lead.

sure, she said.
and we sat down in these little folding chairs.

whew.
i can do this better if i sit, i thought.

and then.......someone announced us, and my buddy
stands up and walks in front of everyone, and turns
to speak to them.

oh. my. gosh.

no chairs???

she was polished and confident and knew what to say
and launched into a talk about her art.

oh. my. gosh.

and then it was my turn.

i went up blushing.

oh great start.
my knees were shaking.
and my mouth was dry.

oh great.

maybe if i move around just a little bit, you
won't notice my shaking knees, i thought.
so i moved my feet a bit.
josh was laughing about this on the way home
and telling me it was endearing.

oh great.
endearing.

great.

and so i talked. in front of everyone.

when it was all over, a friend of mine who holds
a spot in my heart that no one else does gave me a
hug and told me i couldn't have done better if
i had practiced for hours.

he's symbolic to me. he was the first man to
ever 'get' bone sighs. his presence and his affirmation
mattered a ton to me.

my surrogate mom was there and she hugged me and
told me she loved me. i sank into her arms.

and then josh came up.
he was beaming.

he took both my hands and told me he had never been
so proud of me in his whole life.

and just beamed at me.
i leaned my head close to his.

josh, was it totally incoherent???
i was still wobbling.
he laughed, shook his head and said not at all.

thru the wobbling, i still saw his beaming.

what a nite.

and then i got to drive home with my sons.
and they talked to me about the evening and
we laughed and joked and talked about where we
wanted to go with our lives...

how on earth did i ever get to be this lucky,
i wondered as i looked out the window up at the
stars........

it's a nite i'll always remember......