see sawin'

there's been a bit of see sawin' goin' on
inside me lately.

several times recently, i've sat back and
thought 'mygosh, there's a whole lot of
ugliness in the world.' it kind of just
stuns me sometimes with how much ugliness
there is.

and i'll think that i really want to put
some good stuff out there. i've thought of
how we really need it more than ever, and
i have to at least add something to the good
heap. that we all should add what we can.
that it matters.

you can picture me on a see saw.
that thought would have me up in the high
seat with my legs dangling and kickin'.
smilin' at the sky.

and then.......whooosh bam!
i hit the ground. thud.

i don't want to be this open. i don't want
to show this much of myself. it's just not
a good place to be and i want to NOT do this.

and i sit on my seat in the ground, my shirt
tail layin' in the dirt.

and then i'll read the news or something,
and i'll have that similar thought that the
world needs more good things now and i'll
go back up in the air.

the past two weeks have been like that.
up and down up and down.

last nite i read this:

'the chinese wise man lao tzu counseled,
in times of adversity, make energetic progress
in the good. this is still the real work at
hand; for each one of us to meet the bad in
the world with the good in our own hearts.'

i am not kidding you.
i read five pages last nite. that's it five
pages of a book. and that was in there.

i put the book down and closed my eyes.

okay.
okay.
okay.

i'll keep tryin'.
even tho it's one heck of a scary place sometimes.
i'll keep tryin.