what a day

ohmygosh. yesterday turned out to be quite a day
of tears. apparently a lot was coming up. it was
kind of making sense and then not.

i called my surrogate mom first thing in the
morning. 'i don't even know what's wrong, but i
needed to talk to my mom.' true to form, she
dived right in there and acted like i gave her
a gift when she was the one giving.

'i think this is coming up now because you can
deal with it now,' she said. 'it's stuff that
you haven't quite finished with yet.'

she encouraged me, listened to me, and cried
with me.

and then a call later with my surrogate sister
helping me tie it all together and make sense out
of all the threads that were whirling around
inside. i heard her crying with me too.

what an amazing circle i have in my life.

it wasn't until i was cooking dinner tho, listening
to my girlfriend's cd, that something finally moved.
she was singing a song another friend of ours had
written. i could feel them both in the kitchen with me.
i was crying yet again, just listening.

i had talked myself out of my writing project. i didn't
want to do it. felt stupid and like it was a mistake.
i hadn't written in days. i had been writing every day
joyfully. and then, i stopped.

listening to my friend singing, i thought of how much
it means to me to be offered other people's souls.
when she sings, she's giving me herself. and that
matters to me.

i can't just stop trying to do that with my own stuff.
i can't let all this weirdness that's floating around
stop me.

i finished up the veggie experimental dinner i was
making, slipped it into the oven and came down to my
studio.

just write anything, i told myself.
write what's inside of you.

and my fingers took off flying on the keyboard.
i never reread it. i just typed.

and i could feel something open up again inside of me.

slipping into bed last nite, i felt so much better.
still not completely centered...but not layin' flat
on the floor anymore.

i've still got work to do. guess i always will.
it's a process.

and maybe it's a blessing when this stuff gets stirred
up. cause then it reminds me that my life is a choice
and what i do with it is up to me.