compassion can make me grouchy

so i thought it must be about compassion.
the bigger lesson in all of this...

there's something whirling around inside of me
and i know there are things i can learn here.
and i sincerely want to figure it out and learn
them. i really do want to grow.

so i went out to my garden and thought about it
compassion....compassion....compassion....

'compassion makes me grouchy' i thought.
and yanked a weed up.

it really does.

decided i needed some help thinking this thru and
called my surrogate mom.

i told her what was whirling and how compassion was
all well and good but sometimes people were just
screwin' things up and it was real hard to be
compassionate then.

i was using different people, different examples,
and i was pretty passionate about the 'screwin' up'
stuff.

we both laughed.

and then we talked.....

and we kinda came to the idea that it wasn't really
time for compassion. that that wasn't what i needed
right now.

what i needed was the release stuff.
let it go.
back off.
it's not mine.

oh.
that stuff again.

that actually can get really complicated and hard.

what if you're watching people you care about hurt
each other?

go further....
what if you watch someone you love actually destroy
someone else you love....

what do you do?
accept it???

ohmygosh.
so we talked and talked.
and talked.

she mentioned something i could do in one of the
situations. and what is so cool is the trust and
support between us.

i said 'you know what i did when you said that???
i totally recoiled. wow. i recoiled. what does
THAT say about how far away i am from feeling the
love there??'

and she told me it was okay. that if i wasn't
ready for that, i wasn't ready. and that was okay.

maybe the compassion has to start with me.

maybe i need to just hold some compassion for me
the next few days. and then work on the releasing
and letting go.

and accepting.
accepting me where i'm at.
accepting the world where it's at.

my gosh.
that accepting thing...accepting the world where it's
at....accepting those around us where they're at....
that all works really well when they aren't pressin'
my buttons.

but the second the buttons start getting hit, i don't
know....it all goes out the window....

i want to learn from this.
see the bigger picture.
and sit back and say 'it really doesn't matter'
and smile and go back to work....

oh yes.
that's my goal.......