Monday, April 12, 2010

feelin' for her this morning......

i went to visit with her yesterday.
figured it was a beautiful day, we could
sit outside and chat.

she was still in her jammies. and this
wasn't one of my 6:30a.m. visits with her.
it was lunch time.

i was surprised. never seen that happen
before.

she wasn't lookin' so good. more than once
she slipped in a sigh with a comment of
'it's a big world out there.'

hmmmmmmm.

when she said that with the tone she said it
with, i sat still and waited. was there something
on her mind?

gave her a little space to tell me, but she didn't
seem to want to go any further.

she headed in a dreary direction with the world
and the next generation and i turned it to some
fun and made her smile.

but even her smile wasn't the same yesterday.

as i walked this morning i couldn't get her off my
mind.

i know she's not doin' good. but i don't think i want
to really know how hard it is. sometimes i think
about it, and when i do, i don't know what to do
with it all.

the guys and i have talked about how we have to kick
in more for her and be around more for her. and we've
all been workin' on that. they go down to help her out
and stay for a long time just chatting with her.

i know she needs company and that we can give her.

but we can't take this part of the journey away.
i keep tellin' myself there's some good you get out
of this part of the journey....but my gosh, sometimes
it's hard to believe that.

how does it feel to be in your eighties, on your own,
with failing health?

ohmygosh.........will i have the strength for that kinda
thing?

i don't even have the strength to watch HER go thru it.

i walked by her house this morning. shades still down.
i know she didn't get out at all yesterday. she always
gets out. always works in the yard. it's what keeps her
goin' she says. and yet, yesterday....she never made it
there.

i think i'd really like to redesign the end of life.

maybe i need to redesign my heart so it can handle stuff
better.

i know that life isn't all sweetness and light....but my gosh,
sometimes i wouldn't mind if it was a bit MORE sweetness
and light. 'specially for older people.

feelin' for my neighbor this morning......

3 comments:

AkasaWolfSong said...

Just love her Ter...just like you and your sons have been doing. In all honestly that is what we all need at the end of our life anyway...to know someone loved and cared for us. I do believe that.

I say that because I live alone and it can be a lonely trek some days...sometimes so much it is hard to bear.

Qn Dani said...

As a counselor working with the terminally ill helping them transition from life to death, I can tell you there are 4 basic needs we each have at the end of life: to know that we have been loved, we will be missed and/or remembered, we made a difference in the world and that our life had meaning and purpose.

I envision you with your neighbor yesterday, sitting there, holdng space for her and with your big huge gigantic heart, letting her know all those things - as you have such a gift for doing.

Loving is enough. Loving is everything. Keep hanging your hearts Ter...just keep hanging those hearts.....:-)

Merry ME said...

I know my Dad is not a real good example of how to grow old and die with dignity. One thing he says a lot makes sense to me. He asks, "why does everyone want me to feel good about being old?" It's true, you know. Most of us project our feeling on the old. Maybe that's just the grumpy old. Letting them be the way they are and honoring them and loving them in spite of it might be the biggest gift we can give.