i did good.

i've been wondering how i would approach a blog
post about something that's been goin' on in my
life for a few weeks now.

it's incredibly personal, it's been way hard,
so many buttons and dredging of gunk involved...
how do i even approach it?

and i'm smiling this morning cause i get to give
the summary....
well....not the final summary......cause we won't
have that til the end of the journey....

but the one that goes with this tiny part of it
all that has felt anything but tiny.

i was telling him last nite what i had been doing.
i described what i had thought, what i had reacted to,
where i would panic and go off into a spin, how i
dragged myself back to a spot of love, and how i kept
reminding myself i wanted to operate from love,
i told him the parts about little terri, about the feelings,
the changing of old patterns, the moments of terror,
the longer stretches of fear, the reaching back into trust.

the whole deal.
i described it.
i teared up. i choked up. i laughed. i scrunched my face
in seriousness.
and i looked at him with eyes filled with sincerity.

i told him about acting out of a space of love with such
ease at one point that i surprised myself and told
myself as i was doing it 'wow, you really are touching
love here. wow. you really are living what you want to live.'

i finished. smiled at him thru tears and said
'i'm a really cool person.'

and i meant it.

i meant it!!!!!!!!!

i know that we're sposed to allow ourselves to be where we
are. and sometimes thru out all this, i did just that. i really
did. i felt and allowed.

at other times, i dragged myself out of bad spots and put myself
back into the spot i wanted to be in.

i really felt like i was doin' just that.
goin', pickin' myself up, draggin' myself to another spot and sayin'
'look. is this what you believe or is this? what is love in
this situation?'

and that question would be enough to keep me on track.
for a bit. til i lost it again, and then dragged myself back.

i think, for me, the dragging works sometimes. it's necessary.
i think it's a dance i must do with allowing me to sit and stay
where i am at other times.
drag and insist....release and allow.
what a dance.

and i think i danced and danced and danced with those things.

and i think that the overall deal was that i kept my eyes on
love. and being love. i saw that last nite.

i saw i'm doin' it.
i saw i'm serious about it.
i saw progress.
and i saw someone i really liked.

and for this morning, i just want to hold that.
because it means the world to me.

i did good. with a whole lotta help from my friends.
with a whole lotta help...i did good.
and i just want to enjoy that for a moment before i
step back into more dancing....