loss

i've been hearin' here and there from some of the
family and friends of the woman who passed away
recently. the woman who was a bone sigh customer.

it's so hard when i feel the pain someone's in.
i want to just jump thru the screen and grab their
hand and hold on with them.

and i don't know these people and have no idea
how to do that without intruding.

this happens to me a lot with people who come thru
my mail box. customers will tell me some of their
stories, i can feel the pain, and i have to hang on
to my desk so i don't go flying thru my computer
screen trying to touch them.

that might just scare them a bit even if i could
do it!

thing is..i don't know why i want to do that so
badly. i have nothing helpful to offer.

if i only had some kinda secret i could let them in
on. if i could only take the pain away and give them
some light.

and when death is the pain....i am totally lost on
how to help.

loss isn't my forte.
i suck at it.

all i can think of saying is it's gonna hurt a ton.
and it's gonna be really dark.
and if you feel it, if you really walk thru and feel
it, i think you might find something you don't expect
to find.

oh that's helpful.

but i'm not even sure on the finding stuff.

the hardest death i've had to hold still haunts me.
and looking thru it, i'm not sure if i've found any
gold nuggets.

i certainly would trade the experience to not have
had it and have that person still alive.

but maybe i haven't found the gold yet. maybe it doesn't
have to come in the dark dark dark. see, the dark has
faded some for me with that passing.

it's faded some.
altho, when i really sit with it, my stomach still gets
sick.

and maybe that's cause i haven't found the gold yet.

i do know there's an acceptance i hope to get one day...
an acceptance of the flow of life. of the cycles. of
the coming and going and the okayness of that.

i haven't gotten it yet.

but i believe it's there to be gotten.

i believe why i haven't gotten it is because i'm stubborn
and i want to hang on and i refuse to believe life is change.
still.
still.
i keep telling myself all life is is change.
but i still want it to stay the same.

i think i may get it one day. i haven't lost hope on myself
for getting that concept down.

and maybe with each passing i feel, that person will help
me release my fingers.

ya know........this just popped into my head........

maybe whether there's a gold nugget or not for us to find
in every loss....maybe that is entirely up to us.
they're not there if we don't make them there.

it is up to us to create the gold.
we are our own alchemists.

and what we do with every situation is ours for the choosing.

yeah....easy to type.
not so easy to live.

but i will keep trying.....
because i am my own alchemist.