sometimes i really really wish that life had some
black and white answers. sometimes i just do.
a very dear friend is having some pretty big
relationship problems right now. my heart was
sickened as we talked about them. what happens to
that love that we start out with? what happens
to that??? why does it get so awful sometimes??
oh, i know.
i know.
i really do.
i've lived the divorce thing.
i know the places it all went wrong, and all the
mistakes and all the growing and changing.
and i guess cause i have lived the divorce thing,
i never hear of relationship problems without getting
a little bit sick.
i cried about it yesterday. just for a little bit.
there's something about the happiness that turns into
something so dark that just is hard for me to hold.
and then today, two different women i adore wrote
about new guys in their lives. and it's fun and it's
happy and i wanted to hear more from both of them.
i lit up, i laughed, i teased, and i hoped this is
the guy for each of them. with all my heart, i really
do.
and then i thought of my other friend.
and i wondered.
relationships are so hard.
seriously, how many do you know around you that you'd
want to have in your own life? i can list them off on
one hand. one stinkin' hand. and i wouldn't use all my
fingers on that hand. and i know of a whole lotta
relationships.
and yet we all want them so much.
we all need them so much.
i do wish it was black and white and we just found
the person we loved and it was all happy and good then
forever and ever.
and then i think of my own.
yeah, sometimes i wish it was that easy.
yeah, sometimes i really do.
at the same time tho...i think of all that we've traveled
together....and i'm grateful for every bit of it.
i still think love is hard.
and sometimes i don't think i'm much of a romantic.
and then, sometimes, like today, when my heart leaps
for my friends, i know that i still am a darn romantic.
and yeah, that's a good thing.
love. it's so so so precious.
and it really really needs to be taken care of.
when it's lost, there's something so deeply sad in that
and that's not just a partner kinda thing....
it's everyone around you.
take care of the love....
there's nothing as precious......
3 comments:
Remember that book you were reading..Broken Open. Do you remember the parts it was talking about relationships..sometimes the people we were married too..well we learned all we could from them..good and bad soul lessons, then something happens..divorce or change and it *makes* us grow, and it hurts. Growing pains hurt. I guess sometimes its good if you stick with that person and you both grow..other times..unclenching the fist and letting go is good too..then maybe..just maybe when you are ready it opens the door for a new brighter soul to come in:) Heidi
I lived through a divorce situation, too -- we'd met when we were twelve, we started dating when we were seventeen, we were engaged at twenty-one, married at twenty-three, and divorced by twenty-seven.
Two months after we were married, the ugly came out. I remember looking at him in that moment, and the betrayal I felt then and how duped I felt...It was horrible. And all the ugly that came after that...
And then time passed. At this point, we really do wish one another well -- and we both know that we weren't bad people, we were just bad together. And a part of me does love him (in that hope ya have a nice life kinda way) and hopes to see him succeed and to find love and someone to look at him all dewy-eyed and as though the sun rose and set on his shoulders.
And I am grateful. For him, and for every single other guy I've ever dated or flirted with or was friends with. I am grateful for all of the awesome things they brought into my life -- and all of the not-so-awesome. Without the crappy parts (and they were CRAPPY -- don't wanna repeat that ever crappy) I wouldn't be who I am today, knowing what I know today, and able to see and be with people the way I am today.
I can't regret any of it...all of it led to who I am today.
If only we could learn to keep on loving when people let us down -- and find a partner who does the same! Love isn't an ideal that we fantasize about grasping and owning -- it's a pledge that we keep, with ourselves, in spite of what comes our way from other people. Sometimes we need to protect our survival by leaving a situation where doing that puts us at risk, but we need to trust that the love goes on. People are ugly. Sometimes I'm ugly. I think that's how we learn to forgive.
Post a Comment