Tuesday, April 20, 2010

the train roared in.....

as i walked this morning, i tried to figure
out what i was feeling.
was it overwhelm?
nah....
what was it?
so i just kinda focused.
there was this really heavy weight on me
that was resting in my stomach.

it was so heavy.
and when i felt it the tears just came to
my eyes.

i knew the source.
yesterday was one of those days that i got
steeped in family.

a friend had reminded me several times yesterday
to 'take care of little terri.'

her words came to mind.
yeah, now's the time, i thought.

i came in, got on the treadmill and said
okay.....let me tune in a bit here.

i needed to close my eyes to talk to that
little girl inside. so i grabbed the side
bar thingies, held on, walked, closed my eyes
and tried to let her know that i'm here. and
i'm payin' attention.

suddenly, i thought of that song that i love.
it's on my mp3 player. i stopped, ran over and
grabbed it. it's the song i sing to my inner
child.

it's not work out music, but it is tune in music....
and i needed that now. one of my best friends is
singing it, which adds so much to the power of it all.

hopped back on and played that song over and over
and over and over and over again.

i walked, i sang along, i cried and i held little
terri.

i don't need to figure any of it out, i thought.
i just need to hold her.

on my walk i had tried to look at it objectively.
all that i have experienced has brought me to who
i am now. it's an okay thing. as i was thinking this
i turned the corner and the whole sky was lit up.
yeah. i know, i really do know. so why the weight?

cause it's sad. it's just sad.
it's okay to feel that too.

as i walked, and sang to myself....something popped
in outta nowhere....

ter! all the lessons you've been mullin' the last
few days....think about them!

i remembered the detaching one. the one where i've
detached so much from some other people in my life.
where i really do know in my bones that it's not my
deal. not my drama.

i remembered the thoughts about wanting to be
authentic in every situation. wanting to be who i
am. wanting to stay open and real.

there was the quote about peace in the darkness....
holiness in it all......

there was the mulling about loss and using the losses
to loosen my grip. finding the gold.

to remember life is change...it's always changing.

all this stuff came roarin' in like a train.

ter! here's a chance to put that all into practice!

there's a possibility that i will be put on the spot
about something in the near future. maybe. maybe not.
but i'd like to be ready if i am. i had been thinking
yesterday what i would say. what my response would be.

well, ter!!!!
mix all these things together and then respond from
that spot.

that's your goal.

here's your chance.

it is what it is.
and it's not gonna be a story book ending......
so get over it. sing to little terri and keep going.

put the weight down.
and fly with the things you're learning.
use them to fly, girl.

i walked faster and faster and sang louder to myself.
the tears just flowin' now.

it's an opportunity....it's a chance to become more.
i remembered the thoughts on integrating little terri
and me......and how i don't even know what that means...
but this feels like it's a chance to do that.....

smilin' now....
and wonderin' where i'm gonna go with this.

and as far as that song goes....if anyone still hasn't
gotten it and wants it...you can download it for something
like a buck over on tough angels. the money goes to a great
cause, and you get to hear my friend singing to your inner
child....here's the link. scroll down just a bit and you'll
see 'diamond in the rough'.....i highly recommend it!

2 comments:

wunderkindred said...

*smiles* Thank you so much for sharing that inner conversation. Its powerful and I needed to read it. What a gift you are! I just love reading here. ((hugs))

faerian said...

have been talking to my inner child alot lately during a stressful time and i can't beleive how much it soothes me thankyou for the courage to do that Terri