Tuesday, April 13, 2010

treadmill thoughts

there's been an odd thought that's been kinda floatin'
around inside of me. i haven't talked about it,
because even for me, it's weird.

it has to do with my inner child.
i don't know how to explain it, but a lot of me is
that child. i can feel the wonder and excitement
and the sadness in a way that i know is thru her eyes.

somewhere there's been this vague idea growing that
i want to really...oh what's the word??...maybe integrate?
combine us. become much more one with that child.

how in the world do i even try to explain that to
anyone when i'm not even sure what i mean?? i just have
a feeling. i just know that i need to 'let her out' more
while at the same time know it's who i am. i've talked
about this before...but this is with a deeper twist. it's
taking it all to a much further point.

and how do you do that??
i don't know. so i just let the idea float around.

and then...in an intense conversation with that guy of
mine, he started talking about that very thing. all on his
own. i had never mentioned this to him.

we had talked of this stuff before. but never at this level.
never this integrating stuff.

he knew.
i was stunned.
just stunned.
i asked him how he knew.
how on earth did you know????

he called me a knucklehead and told me what he saw.
he saw it first.

and his seeing it, and the way he told me, turned into one
of the most powerful moments of my life.
honest to pete, it felt as important to me as giving birth
to my kids.
maybe because something was also being born in that moment.

to have a place that is so safe you can bring out your
inner child. she's not only allowed, she's welcomed.

i thought about this on the treadmill this morning.

and something hit......
it may be a no brainer to everyone else on the planet, but
i felt like someone just turned the lights on.....

to protect that part of me and keep her safe, i close pieces
of myself. i close up parts of my heart.

my goal in life is to open my heart.
i can't fully do that if i keep that part of me hidden.
and then if i integrate that part of me....just think how i
could open!

to have someone i love offer me a place for that part of me....
offer me a safe place....encourage me to bring that part out....
and understand what i need to do with that part of me...and be
okay with that.....

to want to take it to another level with me.....

and then for me to actually trust that he means it....
and to accept......

well, my gosh, it kinda takes my breath away.
which worked real good as i was outta breath on the treadmill

maybe to love someone is to make that space for them.
and maybe to love yourself is to accept it and revel in it.

and maybe, just maybe, the journey just gets deeper and deeper.

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