light

thinking out loud today.
something's goin' on in my life that is actually
always goin' on. it's something that is part of me.
just sometimes it's way in the back sometimes it's
closer in my face.
sometimes i am in such a good spot, it doesn't much
bother me. sometimes, like now, i'm not in the best
spot and i find it really really challenging.

last nite i grabbed my book (sherry you asked the title...
the road less traveled and beyond by m. scott peck) and
read about challenges being opportunities.

'those who are most healthy learn not to dread but to
actually welcome problems. altho triumph isn't guaranteed
each time we face a problem in life, those who are wise
are aware that it is only through the pain of confronting
and resolving problems that we learn and grow.'

and there was my reminder.
okay, ter......what are you gonna do with this?

i've been thinkin' about it all morning.
there's the easy way of complaining and moaning.
if i told every single person in my life, they'd all tell
me it was hard and it's a shame.

so?

my favorite line in that movie 'the secret' is when the
guy responds to problems like this with 'that's like
a big 'so what?''

i love that.

this is like a big 'so what?'

life is not always pretty. life is not always happily ever
after. so what, ter?

what are you gonna do with it?

as i walked i thought of the idea where we all come down
to play different roles in life. someone who gives you really
huge challenges has decided ahead of time to play that role
and treat you miserably in this life, it's cause they love
you so much, they chose that role to play for you to learn
things.

i used to kinda like that. it helped me get thru some dark times.
i don't like it anymore.

it denies the yucky side of life. it takes yuck and says no,
it really has to be pretty.

ya know.......i don't think it does.
i think it can be just plain yuck in places.

people all have their own journeys and some of the hurts they
get thru it can really do some damage. and that damage can really
affect how they are. in a really sad way.
some people get hurt and don't grow.
why can't that just be the way it is?

so then i pictured the players all suddenly being gifted with
understanding, and turning to me full of understanding and knowing
and actually seeing me. really truly seeing me and what's goin'
on.

woe.
what would i do?

hmmmmmmmmm............maybe that's like a big so what?

so what if they do?
who cares?
what difference does it make?

i know it's not about them.
i know that.
i know it's all about me.

what i feel about me.
what i see about me.
what i believe about me.

if i need other people to turn to me and see me for me
to feel valued and loved.....i haven't got down what i
need to get yet, have i?

mostly i don't need that.
but obviously somewhere inside me there's some conflict.

i think this is another step on the road for me to really
believe in me.

as i've been workin' on writing this book that i'm workin'
on, i've watched the self doubt, the hesitation about putting
me out there so much.

i have a lot of self doubt that creeps up in me.

but somewhere way way way down deep is this little voice that
i keep hearin'.......'put your light out there.' 'offer your light.'

i think what i'm ultimately wrestling with has to do with
that stuff.......my light.

and i just saw something really clearly......
this group that i struggle with....they're light stealers.
wow.
they so are.

that wouldn't be so threatening to me if i was secure in
my light. if i knew it couldn't be stolen.

in my head i know it can't be.
but maybe the work is to get that knowing in my bones.

if they can't steal my light, what's the problem?

it's like a big so what?

oh wow.
thinking out loud here helped.

what if i got so strong in my light i knew no one could
take it from me?
first i'd have to know i've got it and believe in it,
wouldn't i?

there's gonna be some light visuals goin on over here......