my beasts

there was clowin' around. there was giddy
laughter in the back seat when josh moved back
there with me. there was the threat i made to
zakk about ripping his head off when i thought
he was going to pass in a no passing zone on
a mountain road. there was zakk's delight in
having scared me and his announcing he's now
found his new favorite thing to do.

there was the puttin' the heads together to see
what everyone needed out of the day and when
people felt like taking off and just goofin' on
our own. i liked that. the checkin' in to make
sure everyone was covered.

there was watching zakk climb down the rocks
on the hike like a monkey who was finally let
free. there was noah showin' josh some stuff
about his camera. there was brother goofin'
and teasin' with the pictures.

there was teasing, serious talk, comfort.

wandering with these three guys is one of my favorite
things to do.

i remember when they were tiny.
i read a gazillion books on mothering. i lived and
breathed it. it was my job and i threw myself into
it. i worked harder at it than anything i've ever worked
at in my life. every nite i went to bed wishing i had
done better and vowing to do better the next day.

when i was stumped with what to do with them, i would
always go to 'what would you want someone to do with
you in this situation, ter?' and then i'd treat them
that way. i was amazed at how that worked. and would
watch and learn and thru it all i learned about really
loving and seeing these tiny people. nothing on earth
grew me like mothering grew me.

my dad, who always wanted me to be a career woman,
used to get annoyed with me. he didn't like that it
was my whole life.

how odd.
what greater job could i possibly have? and what else
could possibly grow me like these boys have grown me.

how sad he never quite figured that out......
and how lucky beyond words i am to have stumbled into
it all.

i had no idea.

as we drove in that crazy crowded car last nite,
i remembered a lot of the early days. i had no idea
it would bring me here.

no idea at all.

i celebrate my beasts today........
they are such a part of me.